It feels like a love and hate relationship.
I know it isn’t. I’m just deeply in this.. whatever this is, I can’t get out even if I try. I know what I feel when he’s away and I know what I feel when his soul is present.
When I feel him, I sometimes push it away. It’s a mixture of me thinking it’s all in my brain, and the fact I genuinely believe this narrative I’ve seen play out around me.. Mr Woo was obviously involved.
I’ve felt things, I’ve never felt.. experienced things deep in me I can’t express or explain.. through the mess somehow he was in the mist. I feel like sometimes it’s not real. That he could be playing some game on me, that i’m actually losing my head and trying to keep up with the story.
I truly believe what I feel but I feel weird at the same time, like.. it’s this feeling that he’s there and I want to free myself but if I do… it would be soooooooooooooooo strange.
I’m holding so tightly onto this part because he could be the boogey man, and turn out to be some one I hope he isn’t. I don’t know if this is love but his presence means alot to me. I can’t explain how much but it’s like I don’t ever want him to go away. He makes me shy, makes me quiet.. and at times all I want to do is hide. My insides go funny too, and I can’t really hide my true nature bare in mind i’ve never spoken to him, this is all just soulful feelings. I love him, and thats the hardest thing for me to face even though i’m facing it but i’m trying my hardest to keep it not real even though I want it to be. Love is a huge word to use but I don’t know what else to call it.
It’s me i’m trying to hide, the me that finally is freed in the presence of another who understands or wants to understand me. Only because i’m childish and used to being alone and i’ve learnt to like that. I can’t pretend to be anything else, but be me… I wish I wasn’t shy, but i’ve never felt this before, never.
Sometimes I wish it stayed in the dream world and the physical world didn’t make it a reality, but thats being petty. Love is a beautiful thing, it’s only that being naked in love after going through a war is like woah. Whats even more annoying is no man makes me feel as he makes me feel, it’s a unique feeling.. but it’s me. . and thats why I can’t seem to completely push it away. I’m scared it may go wrong, like I am just playing this whole thing ..and then it turns out to be true because I believe in my feelings whether they are there or not, but imagine… actually I shouldn’t imagine how wrong it would be. All I do is run. I show love to people, make them smile or laugh and help as much as I can but I run from love.
I’ve always wanted it but it’s difficult to free myself up to receive it in the way I deserve to have it.. because I know what I can be like.. I may over-love him or be annoying as I am to myself haha. To have a person you can share your secrets too is something fun, someone you argue with at times, you laugh with, hug and joke with. It’s just him.. there’s something about him that makes me want to run, but I think it’s because what is felt in my core is strong. It’s something firm. My whole being kind of looks up to him, like it knows it can depend on him.. and it can actually trust him.. and I don’t trust people, to trust him would mean everything is open to him.
I want to show him me, but I don’t want him to judge me.. or to think i’m too soft.. he makes me soft like REALLY soft.
He really got to my heart and my soul.. and my Spirit knows when that happens it cannot look at anyone else.
It could be Love.