3.

All I remember was I made love to him telepathically, I felt him.. was it him? A feeling I cannot and will not forget.

I somehow was pulled into his energy one morning and I was caught up in ecstasy.

I guess this drive I feel towards him is something unforgettable, nothing else or no other soul could possibly compare. Complicated in my ways, I sometimes feel that it would be to hard to love me. . that I’d over complicate things.

That my longing is too strong, and deep and at times cut off and disconnected. This I don’t mean to happen but it does and how can one be loved in such uncertanties.

He has never come close to me apart from being close to my soul, apart from spiritually being a face I hold on to.. although I hadn’t looked into him long enough. I stumbled into this love, and never knew I did.

Three occasions I had seen him, The 1st I was crossing a road and he came out of the cafe and his presence roared at me.. I had to look away.. I felt it deep in me.. the second I don’t think he knew I saw, I looked out the bus window in awe of him.. as I was returning home from work.. his focus ahead of him and neither looking elsewhere. He was the only one I noticed on that road, although there were people entering the grocery store ..he strongly caught my attention.. he just looked ahead. The third time, I saw him turn into a road..with the corner of my eye.. and my spirit leaped but I continued on until my heart beated with his.. or for him maybe.

As if things weren’t already strange, from that day everything changed. I didn’t realize it was him I was feeling, having been so caught up on a past incident and my mind trying to make sense of an eye connection that played with my emotion I somehow didn’t realize he was the one I knew deep down I felt. I had no idea why but that day on the bus when I saw him something in me recognized him.. I was so fascinated by him in the most awkward way.. my breath .. I gasped.. on all 3 occasions.

I somehow went through ups and downs, tricks in my brain and I had no idea what I got myself into but I realized I was stumbling in love with this young man, and I didn’t know him.. only of him.. I guess everything is connected. He’s touched me in places that no one has, and my feelings have opened up in ways that I never knew they would for anyone in this lifetime.

So fierce, and calm.. a gushing river and then it transforms into a rocket zooming out of space. . a space only I know of.. I never knew he would know. . or come close enough to know.

I felt him and I allowed him to feel me, and life continues to proceed onwards, and for all I know this experience was something that some say doesn’t always last. I still think about him, I wonder what he’s doing and if he’s okay.. sometimes it’s like he’s here and then he’s gone.. but i’ve also got to live my life. .  otherwise I would go extremely out of it.

What to do when your whole life has been dramatically impacted by something that is far deeper than I could imagined. Something that took a hold of me and it’s winds blew me to and fro. Where everything fell apart and you have to somehow find a way to put it back together again.

He wasn’t an obsession he was somehow a heart experiment completed. He managed to woo me, and I had not been woo’d as strongly as this in my LIFE. No one has woo’d me in my life but he.

There’s a whole range of emotions emerged into one in this writing. Where ever he is, he may remember.. I may run in his mind.. or he mine.. but a long lost love is just merely that isn’t it. The desire to connect deeply in you with another and once it’s done.. I guess the story ends.

Do I want the story to end.. no.. but I don’t know how else I’d react to the story. Maybe the idea of he truly making love to me in reality is something that I think.. what would it be like?

How would I be.. possibly.. breathless.. in deep connection with his core.. would our souls really dance in tune with eachother. I’d never know, all I know is how his energy ran through me .. caressing me.. intertwining with mine. All I know is what I experienced.

I’m a strange young lady in a silhoutte world. . . Love is stronger than death, Love is a lightening powered by a force of wind, Love is a secret parable wrapped in the arms of warm tenderness. What is a deep mesmerizing experience to do .. alter my perception on a feel I knew existed, on something I was highly aware of? Should I continue being it’s role, or at times we step down off the whole wheel of this silhoutte world and understand what we are, who we are and why we deeply connect with others.

I love him, but love itself is more than just what we think.. we have not yet understood it’s intent … we somehow sway with the notions.

I’m a strange young lady in a silhoutte world, and he found me only to woo me. . . and to whom will I look upon.. in this spirit.. and who will look upon me. I guess his spell was my antidote. . my response an endless rebirth.

I’m just a peculiar young lady in a silhoutte world.

 

 

Kaleidoscoping.

No tears in the soul.

A memory of her and him – her and them.

rollercoasters of emotions, vomits of the

core. Running cannot solve matters.

The past only must be left behind, why revive it.

Blood and sweat running down my body –

I guess this was what I asked for. The bruised

heart is the glassed art piece in the gallery.

Roses never fade.

Emotions numbed by all there is, is the rock

really firm to not feel? To watch the feel and

glance at it’s story in us all. Is this what it all was.

The sight to sunrise in dark matter, the unquenchable

force of wind, the solitude itself sat in confinement..

what must the silence say, without your presence?

Neither gloomy, neither forcefully in high – but the neutral

essence of the being, the eyesight of the seeing.

Seen or Unseen, whats the worries or even the

bother, for when your seen.. theres not at all

a difference even when not. The mystery is somewhere

in the locked door, the existence in a haze of smoke,

the smile with hidden eyes, the sight in which

glances away. Tears and joys of life and the

fallen leaves of the age.

The long walk with the mystery is worth..

more than any treasure. The open fruit juice,

melting with sweetness in the mouth of the babe..

the smile of the Father and Mother.

Do you see the eyes unseen, do you see it.

It’s a life within you – unstoppable and called on.

Many eyes around us, within us.. but this beauty

unseen is actually evidently seeing. . I see it right now.

It’s existence peaks not through my eyes alone.

That aliveness is

not only present through the eye – but the mystical

eye. . Holy Spirit – the wholeness of Spirit revived in ones

own Living soul. . yes within the soul lives the immortal eyes of the many eyed ones.

The soft heart, reaching out of the world – furthur on from this clay – activating a mysterious wind around it.

Listen to the soul of the curvascious piano, observe the

elegant legs of the ballet, the still melodic turn of

the peacock. Are all these my anchors and more,

we can not foretell the comings and goings of

this life can we? Is the golden age a time of unlimited

spiritual existence within the both of us?

Are we the repetoire of our own neuro-shrewedness?

Does the heavy breaths matter, the sighing of your moans in the ear of the lover, the tears of love and abound patience in the clutter.

The bodies clinging to eachother desiring not to let go, the touch of eachother so soft and so slow. . . is this outter body experience of the souls a vivid climax of the eternal presense in commune – right there among them.

The heat of the eyes of their souls pleading for nothing else but more, more, and more.. the weakness and strength the murmours and shouts, the eyes closed.. nothing else but

a motion where feels are now exterminated & what is left

has not touched earth as of yet, but it explodes in the arms of the both of them?

These are not feelings, they are not emotions … why do they behave in such a way where it cannot control them..

now they control this and when they think they

are in control, they lose it all and then

the many eyed ones take place in this ancient home

and then they disappear in the dance – the sacred

dance unspoken of – their own mystery silence.

Is this what I asked for? To see and see and see. . .

We keep Kaleidoscoping.

 

 

 

Lucid Discoveries.

Can one distinguish the fact between autonomy and empiricism?

Autonomy is holding the self-governing, self-will and ever-growing potential in the balanced source within to evaluate the proceedings of Life’s ultimate will in the home of the beholder.

Empiricism is Knowledge and experience, accumalated through philosophy and the excessive study of books so one’s own brain can create it’s own wit began by another.

They both work together quite well allowing one to form new forms from both themselves and the knowledge they inherit from others and from observation.

Exploration is in fact a word that is an experiment of one’s own self. This is acceptable when one’s own reason is capable of understanding that it can go beyond it’s own being. Going beyond, is this one’s own secret? To go beyond, you either tread carefully or lose your method in the process, regaining yourself is a war. Do you know the master in who trains you for the greater beyond?

For it is not against human enemies that we have to struggle up against but against the principalities and the ruling forces who are masters of the darkness in this world, the spirits of evil in the heavens. (Ephesians 6:12)

To man it is impossible, but nothing is impossible to God. Direct words from the Christ.

What does it take to explore? Equilibrium, the state of one’s own calmness. This mystery is revolved in every being but we do not shed ourselves completely, to maintain it’s momentum.

Autonomy is self based, giving one the right to establish for himself his own setting, empericism allows your knowledge and experience to create your facts, and therefore adhere to philosophical information to branch from .. more and more. Exploration is the dive, but the dive is silence. Ideas and concepts create whirlwinds of information and excitement, exploration, when it’s rational state has continually knocked within itself.. has its foundation in both masteries within autonomy and empericism.

We sometimes do not know what we hold.

You are the philosophy of life under the arc of covenant which of course is defined by the mystery itself, the kingdom being inside of you and not outside of you. So what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? He gains nothing. His pleasures and excitments are of the physical creations that limit his horizon at the source within, which is  built to gain more of him and less of the outter him.

New creation’s derive from order in exploration of the inner man, which does not consist of outter appearance. So diving into silence, is the only way to therefore pin one’s own perceptions, whether skeptical in theory or found in providence in a divine stature within one’s own home.

So Love, your decor and mannerisms are of it’s own accord.. To one’s own wishes, not confined by the shaking of hands, or the kiss on the cheek neither the foolish laughter of secret jokes or even so the polluted idea’s of concepts.

Be ye not conformed to the world, but be renewed in the mind, above is within – below is without.

Think of the things above, everything honourable, true, upright, what is good and praiseworthy. (Phillipains 4:8)

If that rule regulates in you exploration is therefore creating it’s own paradigm within you.

 

Did he Woo me?

It feels like a love and hate relationship.

I know it isn’t. I’m just deeply in this.. whatever this is, I can’t get out even if I try. I know what I feel when he’s away and I know what I feel when his soul is present.

When I feel him, I sometimes push it away. It’s a mixture of me thinking it’s all in my brain, and the fact I genuinely believe this narrative I’ve seen play out around me.. Mr Woo was obviously involved.

I’ve felt things, I’ve never felt.. experienced things deep in me I can’t express or explain.. through the mess somehow he was in the mist. I feel like sometimes it’s not real. That he could be playing some game on me, that i’m actually losing my head and trying to keep up with the story.

I truly believe what I feel  but I feel weird at the same time, like.. it’s this feeling that he’s there and I want to free myself but if I do… it would be soooooooooooooooo strange.

I’m holding so tightly onto this part because he could be the boogey man, and turn out to be some one I hope he isn’t. I don’t know if this is love but his presence means alot to me. I can’t explain how much but it’s like I don’t ever want him to go away. He makes me shy, makes me quiet.. and at times all I want to do is hide. My insides go funny too, and I can’t really hide my true nature bare in mind i’ve never spoken to him, this is all just soulful feelings. I love him, and thats the hardest thing for me to face even though i’m facing it but i’m trying my hardest to keep it not real even though I want it to be. Love is a huge word to use but I don’t know what else to call it.

It’s me i’m trying to hide, the me that finally is freed in the presence of another who understands or wants to understand me. Only because i’m childish and used to being alone and i’ve learnt to like that. I can’t pretend to be anything else, but be me… I wish I wasn’t shy, but i’ve never felt this before, never.

Sometimes I wish it stayed in the dream world and the physical world didn’t make it a reality, but thats being petty. Love is a beautiful thing, it’s only that being naked in love after going through a war is like woah. Whats even more annoying is no man makes me feel as he makes me feel, it’s a unique feeling.. but it’s me. . and thats why I can’t seem to completely push it away. I’m scared it may go wrong, like I am just playing this whole thing ..and then it turns out to be true because I believe in my feelings whether they are there or not, but imagine… actually I shouldn’t imagine how wrong it would be. All I do is run. I show love to people, make them smile or laugh and help as much as I can but I run from love.

I’ve always wanted it but it’s difficult to free myself up to receive it in the way I deserve to have it.. because I know what I can be like.. I may over-love him or be annoying as I am to myself haha. To have a person you can share your secrets too is something fun, someone you argue with at times, you laugh with, hug and joke with. It’s just him.. there’s something about him that makes me want to run, but I think it’s because what is felt in my core is strong. It’s something firm. My whole being kind of looks up to him, like it knows it can depend on him.. and it can actually trust him.. and I don’t trust people, to trust him would mean everything is open to him.

I want to show him me, but I don’t want him to judge me.. or to think i’m too soft.. he makes me soft like REALLY soft.

He really got to my heart and my soul.. and my Spirit knows when that happens it cannot look at anyone else.

It could be Love.

In Love, By Love

If words could explain the moments, then we’ll be here forever.

If words could define the emotions then there should be a waterfull climbing the skies.

Returning into the core of it’s truth is the ultimate lullaby. Out the desert and into a home of safety. I didn’t quite see myself in this place, but you have erupted a sudden mystery of Life that does not run out.

Life to it’s full. My soul has somehow knocked on the doors of humility, swimming in the hands of an admired touch that not only refills but takes away the blemishes.

Don’t consider it all a superstition.

It cannot be aroused, only seen.. understood – felt and sought after. Are we not here again, this time through everything I hadn’t expected.

I guess Love has a call on us all, to search within ourselves. Being more than our imaginations.

I guess he was my mind, I guess he shared my heart, I guess he was the ultimate experience. If time could stop it wouldn’t go back, if time would stop.. Life would still continue.

A revenue of repertoire’s, the notes counted for in psalms and prayers and still looks from the essence of Spirit. Could he be the one, maybe – maybe not.

Floetry is just the making of what is a secret momentum in oursleves. . I conciously explore it.

What does it all mean.. huh.. not to fathom but to summon it by believing it’s existence – Life’s existence – dwelling among men in whom seek it. .  as I have come to ack-knowledge.

We participate in this story, this reality, no longer in need of forbidden fruit but beholding the promised earth and heaven within, transformed for it’s true return for us.

Caught in the air, mesmerized by the sweet surrender as the bride meets the bridgroom.

In Love, By Love and it is because of you.

You is me, I journeyed through but somehow I met him along the way.

I happily continue on, hoping where ever he is, he has learnt his own revelation to the call of love.

In Love, By Love.

 

 

 

Heartless, Heart-full

At this stage you would think smiles are neccessary.

Quite often things we think are real are actually an existence in itself but at times not as we fathom. I’d say my emotions through the process were true, and at this point they are numbed.

I have numbed them.. maybe me.. maybe another – who knows. I take things seriously, and on one hand some are lightly shaken over but this.. this.. I find it quite hard to shake off. Somehow I will let it go, maybe because my feelings are strong and I will not allow them to consume me.. NEVER.

Spiritual realms are real and what takes place there allows me to see a persons true intentions, could you say the same to me?

I know what I feel and never forget it.. it only takes time for me to assess it and battle against it. Maybe it isn’t always what we think it is, maybe it’s seeing simularities in someone else as yourself – maybe thats the whole narrative – who knows. . for One we are but different in many ways.

Could I say his responses in the spiritual realm has made me heartless – never but less heart is applied to this feel, I do not desire to feel from here for it has failed me and he has the capabilities of failing me – I understand this. . not just him – anyone. I have nothing to hide, but even so.. to reveal anymore is pointless. This feel of intimacy will not be played out again, he won’t get there again. A foolish game.

Heart-full, I guess this cup has been filled with the unseen light and now moving on is a part of life – lessons are learnt.

Let go – my being says, just let it go. Every feel has been felt by you both, what else now.. afterall his head would rather lean on another in the unseen world and to me that is fine.. for Life is filled with choices. I’m my own friend, with God inside of me – Me myself and God.. I’m all I’ve got – and I would never beg another to be in my life.

I’ve seen myself, I’ve seen my choices.. my mistakes and pains and my alone-ness. No one has had me but my Father in heaven. The only person I thought was a true connection isn’t as I actually think, it was an experience to learn more about me and Love and somehow take it away and never forget it.. let it embed in my soul as a special story to my ownself.

Do I love his being? I think to have shared a heart-beat and then some deep intimate emotions made me love him for I somehow died to be one in his presence.. not only his presence.. as I think but his soul was felt in the process.. why wouldn’t I love someone who ..shared me with them. Do I continue to feel this way after seeing and experiencing hidden secrets of the soul.. To walk away is the best thing – for it would only turn me crazy to face it all as it is and know that my deep feelings are exposed and it will no longer be me upholding me – for I have experienced another hold with me.

Loyalty to The Father and to me is what matters in this world.. Unseen and Seeing. I don’t know what the future holds, this all has been an Unseen Love.. beginning with me and then my experiences – my challenges – my interactions – my relationships – my all.

Look into the eyes of Life, and tell me it will be alright.. I look at me and say

“It’s always alright, for we ride it out to die – only to live again”

LOVE.. TO LOVE IS TO DIE IN OUR BEING TO STAY, ONE IN THE ESSENCE TOGETHER ALWAYS.

LEARNING OMNI VALUES ETERNALLY. IN THIS WORLD AND THE WORLD TO FOLLOW ON.

Spiritual beings, eternal souls with fire in our hearts burning for the throne unseen.

  • The mysteries of Love xox

 

 

Celestial Bed

I hear you moan in my heart, my core is moving and my soul is vibrating at the thought of your mind in mine & mine in yours.

   My arms are invisible in this moment and all there is, is a silent movement of our breath and my wholeness is limp as it resides in you. I am weak but at this moment you are my strength. . . and I may not have the words to say but we are flying in a world I have never been too.

    You have entered my inner womb and I am drowsy with the intoxication of your love, it is not from this world. . . your love is a doorway in me that has taken away every wall, and now i’m twirling in a flower with you.

    Your breath is hot in my ear and your eyes close, while you lean your forehead against mine and your aura releases a power that dominates my soul. I try to run but you have me in your hands, I cannot escape as you cup me in your arms. . . and tell me your truth.

   You tell me the truth, with tears both in our eyes at the intense vulnerability we feel – the place we enter that has never been explored by the both of us.

    As we sit up staring at one another – our hearts expanding your hands brushing at my face – staring sympathically in my being – i’m outside of myself… and you are outside of yourself . . . and now our divine being circulates beyond this place we begin to roam in the air ; every part of us alive.

   You hold me with conviction that you won’t let me go. . I still try to loose from you – is it disbelief? but although invisible I feel you gripping my womb – your arms firmly holding me.

    I am weakened by you, forced too melt within you.. with tears in my ears. . .hearing my own cry. . . looking at you through my eyes – I can’t hide – I have to let go and trust you with everything I am.

    My hands hold your face as your lips touch mine.. our invisible heart combined beats heavily – the depth of its feel makes us lose breath.. midair but weakened by the power of our beings – yet still the strength of our celestial bed rocks us with the infinite love that extends far outter the existence that we are in.

      You whisper words of love, your heart empowered with an energy I have never felt but now I cannot run.. now I hold onto you for dear life for I see .. I see .. that if I don’t hold onto you I will lose myself and this celestial bed will disappear and you … would have only been a fragment of my own imagination. You can’t be my imagination… you can’t be.. I close my eyes .. as we sink back into the bed.. you lean on me as I cradle you in my arms .. tears rolling down my eyes..

My own divine has to be exposed.. my inner me must be yours and yours must be mine. Our love is the heavens..

We have become the Celestial Bed.

My Soul Love

I imagined it would change. . .

I imagined it would go on,

Moments in moments we create hell and we create heaven.

Sometimes you disappear and sometimes your here, I never really knew what I was doing to you.

Sorry I hurt you, sorry I made you suffer, sorry it was difficult for you. All I ever wanted was to see you smile, to see you happy to see you in love. I never thought imagination would destroy us at some point.

Sometimes the imaginations were out of me, and I never saw them coming, they happened to pop out of no-where. You understand though, you always did. . . my soul.

Never judging me, quiet.. alone.. hardly any words but you whispered to me at times. We would sit together, write together – just like we’re doing now. We understood quietly.

Our mystery was never told it was constantly back and forth because no one desired us to be together, they always tried to break us apart but I never wanted to let you go. I never want to let you go.. I don’t care what they say.. it seemed like you was ripped away from me. It hurt, and because of this I suffered.

You comforted me in my lonely hours, from years ago.. smiling at me in the mirror and sometimes crying with me. They always wanted to control you.. why?

Wasn’t we good enough together. . why did we make people seem scared or uneasy around us.. some loved us but others felt something that caused them fear. Then we began to fear and then I lost you.

I would go on walks and sit.. staring wondering where we would go, I sometimes felt you dissolve. We was always told to be quiet. . always told we were a problem?

I loved you with everything I had even when I felt the pain you was always there.. always, comforting me. How we picked ourselves up and carried on. I love you, I love you so much because of everything you dealt with ..with me.

There is no greater love, than this soul love – the one in whom rests in me, the one in whom allows me to be free. The one in whom doesn’t judge me. The one in whom says it will be okay. You were my secret for some reason, the whole world knows what we fought for.. our surroundings look on and see the aftermath.

Soul love, you remember much.. you do. You never said much but you remembered, you felt and you was distant, somehow you was like this big ball of fire that had an effect but you never allowed yourself to be the full effect, or maybe it was me. Maybe I held you in so much, I treasured you and was scared to give it all away but then somehow ..you was taken but you was still here.

My soul love, I never forgot you from the moment I laid my eyes on you.. I never forgot you. I always saw you. Always. I knew you saw me. We both saw eachother. We saw everyone.

My soul love I cannot explain this water you fill me with, this peace you give me, this silence you swim in.. but i’m intoxicated by it’s breeze and only now.. my soul love.. only now i’m ready to take this dance with you.

I need you and you need me.

I have always loved you, and will always love you.

My precious, my diamond, my rock.. my pearl. . .

My soul love x

Thought..

Accomplishing it seems like a great task, it is somewhat a mystery of idea’s a web for the great mastery of existence right? I happened to be aware of it. . standing in my room discussing the reasoning of liking someone who I have not engaged with. Allowing myelf to see the mirror of my feelings and my memory to discuss what exists in myself, only because I have had a random individual discuss their liking for me.. so i’m left to ponder on why I can’t like another. My restriction, to what i’m clinging on to right? Does a heartbeat need to really have that affect? Not necessarily unless I choose it too. Choice is seemingly a part of daily life, and so thought is stimulated in that and yes, we say we think.. and we do, some thoughts more disturbing than others and some high in vibration in order to attract the desires in what we seek. Thoughts to be honest can somehow manipulate, it somehow causes such a confusion of dialect in the mind, the balance truly is a tranquil heart and in fact I have to learn that the thoughts of the mind is and at times can be a hidden vice. The heart is the thought of a man and I must admit we tend to look past this, mostly because we wear our hearts on our sleeves or maybe the saying ‘The heart is decietful above all things’ enables us to see it is not trustworthy in some matters, which is quite hilarious.

One must exercise rightful thinking, but by doing this we force the mind to create things.. and should that be used in will? I ask because with clarity you don’t create much it all kind of re-esembles itself into this art of existing in the moment and then so on.. but by forcing the mind we tend to begin to overthink the actual thought therefore creating matter..and in this we are in a bubble that may either be positive or negative. Is the bubble of good use? We learn either way.

Discussing having an interest with someone is cliche’ but I have to use this example. I happened to share a heartbeat with a man who I took interest in, my heart was in inner turmoil at that moment but shockingly i’m surprised it managed to skip a beat. Little did I actually know I was in turmoil, which is pretty sad but hey! things happen. Well moving on, I didn’t manage to engage with the individual but the memory I refused to leave behind. I somehow stored it as I previously did many years ago to a lover of the past. I’m in this place where fully understanding one’s own existence is somewhat a comical joke but it is VERY VERY serious indeed, and I tell you .. it is spiritual matters of life or death.. choice is according to ones own self. Another individual whom I happened to give advice too has had an interest in me, and on my part i’m surprised because I held onto this heartbeat for now 9 months, and this situation can turn out to be like the previous one which I secretly held on to for 9 years!!! Imagine that, it drove me to a different place in myself but a SALVATION ARMY OF ANGELS came giddying up to help me through it all. Now this heartbeat, i’m in question.. for Love is a choice of ones own will, the soul is understanding to it’s feelings but it cannot act on just feeling if evidence of feeling is not backed up with engaging with an individual, that leaves one in coo coo land.. no? Right, well I can choose to be back and forth or I can just shake it off. Back and forth means I cannot explore interest to it’s fullest degree.. shaking it off means it can easily be reminded to me again. So then what must one do? Reason.. contemplate.. seek psychological help to erase a heartbeat? *laughs* this is beyond funny haha no but serious one must really understand their thoughts and why they choose to think the way they do blocking realities flow from creating anything it so wishes in that moment.

Thought has power but there is a secret behind it.. i’m learning the secret isn’t necesserily what we think it is. It is completely off topic.. I mean COMPLETELY.

Stop to think and you won’t think.. you only must stop and ponder why you must even think and if you did think.. you pondered.. and if you pondered.. you didn’t actually think. So overall the brain isn’t mastered by thought.. it has it’s own intelligence outside of thought. Imagination plays a part in it but that is only stimulated by sight or a situation.

Hmmm… challenging but observing.. fluent but it’s ripples hide melodies inside, and I must know the notes! My passion is for this! Oh great thought, who and what are you!!? Why do you mislead and exactly why do you plan on stopping the divine flow of the existence of The Father within The Mother earth and it’s children.

The divine is catching you out! it really is!!!

 

 

 

Feelings.

Feelings are just feelings right?

I guess i’m accepting mine, although I don’t understand them. It’s deep for me to truly see myself in this for what it is. I have come to understand that having feelings are not bad at all.

   Sometimes we may feel things that allow us to understand ourselves more better. I somehow thought in myself that having these deep feelings were the worst, because well.. he was never here with me. The idea of losing it for someone else and then realizing the whole time you was drawn in by another’s heartbeat and you never really knew it .. but you did but somehow to be loyal to one love meant keeping the feelings towards the past, but then you knew you resisted the past love deep down but something somehow pulled you into him.. whilst your heart tugged for another. We all somehow got issues, I just never realised how deep mine went – I guess traumatic experiences, running away from myself and my family at a younger age led me in a spiral of different emotions, feelings and holding it up for myself.. I kind of lost that little girl, she was always forced to be strong, bold and to run.. run from herself. She was never able to just be her, for her.. there was always someone pulling her away from her. This always was a pressure on her.. well me.

Being loved was not easy because no one ever understood how to love me, no one really took the time to really get the land of the deep with me. I somehow always showed to much love, and for some reason felt bad about it eventually but never stopped. There’s no such thing as too much love, we can love as much as we can and we should but when people do not understand how to love they mis-use its power for there own benefit. Being vulnerable isn’t bad at all it’s real for you and that person because together you share a world that no one knows, you open up in ways that are comfortable for you both. You share secrets no-one else will ever know, you hold eachother in ways you know the other appreciates, you take the time to care for one another the way you desire to be cared for. Being willing to be that true to yourself and to another means truly knowing who you are and wanting to grow more with another for the sake of understanding life more in depth in it’s mystery.

    I’ve always been gone in the spiritual world even when I didn’t dive into it fully .. I was always there in the land of light.. and sometimes in darkness.. no one ever saw my dark moments, I hid them very well – but the unseen one i knew existed never allowed me to keep them.. constantly nagging my spirit to stop running and denying myself. Fear sometimes would grip me but it was insecurities which arrested me.

    There’s things about us within that sometimes we don’t take the time to see, but some of us do.. not even realizing we are doing it. I still did it.. I still spoke with her and listened to her cry and have conversations to God.. I watched her feelings and her ups and downs.. I saw her hold it on her own without no one really to support those inner battles.. she ran from her but lived in her. It was a lonely walk that no one in the world saw.. until holding it was too heavy.. but to be strong within takes that solitude, that coming away from everything, constantly.

    This year my feelings got real, I somehow had other things building up in me which I knew was not me – my mind was not balanced – I was losing myself because I wasn’t able to understand why I somehow experienced supernatural experiences and would allow them to replay in me, why I always hid from life in my own little way. So much weird things I experienced with my eyes wide open and whilst in my dreams all I can say is.. Life is altogether much deeper than we think but is it a mans job to keep discovering to its core, or when one comes to understand to a level they live and gracefully enter new stages of life in it’s own discovery within it. . if that makes sense.

     My soul runs in a everflowing lava and at times can turn into petals of daffodils and then into raindrops.. knowing me, wasn’t strange at all.. it was realizing I ran from her.. thats what hurt.. she was truly denied.. because she never knew love the way she gave it.. it was never reciprocated in the same way.. leaving her to question herself, her mistakes, her pains, her issues, her faults, her thoughts, her entire person was just not good enough to be loved but she could recognize other lovers, would look away or smile.. or have small talk but never let it get deeper unless it was for friendship which resulted in her being like a mother, a sister, a friend, a brother the whole lot.

This year I had to erase a past love from my soul memory to heal the hidden wounds which stemmed from actually meeting him years ago. At the same time going crazy for him.. the one I never had because of my insecurities, the one I wanted to kick it with but never felt good enough.. somehow my soul showed me I was going to meet him way before I did in the physical. I’m glad I got over it and it somehow all disappeared slowly, even though i care for his soul..I guess faith in the cross helps us see the truth in us. I ended up learning I was beginning to adore another soul.. I had no conversation with, I fell in love with a situation because it played in me.. once again. My heart is very soft, and gets mesmerized and soaked in by special things, experiences and people in general. I guess my heartbeating with his was special for me, I felt a truth in that moment but never questioned it until later .. until it got deep into me and it scared me. It scared me that I had feelings for someone I do not know.. deep feelings and I felt and sensed them in my heart. . the feeling was something I recognized and at the same time I didn’t want to let go of them.

    It’s not everyone we can have, and I understand that. I recognize we love people and sometimes they may not love us the same way or they may come to teach us in depth the reality of the heart.. as we ponder in the space. Love is a gift, to us all a reality unseen and seen here and there.. not always everywhere.

I smile in my crazy because I learn my freedom is by grace and I will never be alone. Someone will love me, and see the beauty inside of me that I see.. and laughed at for years in my room.. in the bathroom.. in the living room. Someone will laugh with me, and pick on me sometimes (if they feel too) but I have a feeling they would be very sweet, someone who would wipe my tears sometimes and let me know it will be okay.. because I at times have some things play up in me and to let me know i’m good. Someone I can jump on, and give bear hugs too, someone I can exercise with at times haha… someone I can travel with and share life experiences with even in awkward moments.. strange moments we will know in ourselves we got this for eachother and within our own selves.. with The supreme eternal life giving spirit guiding us, in the tests and trials of life. We can both learn more about our deepest selves ..and continue on healing more of ourselves and purifing ourselves in the light.

Not all feelings are bad, some show us the truth and others the deception.. it’s on us to face the reality.