You Vs You

Will I ever fit in.

Will I ever look the part.

Am I good enough?

My kindness is my weakness, I’m a fool then.

They didn’t say Thankyou, they didn’t even say Please. No Well dones.

He’s playing mind games with me. Whys he doing this? Its probably me, I never listen.. preferring the high than to face him.

Shes tricking me, she’s cheating.. shes lying.. why is she forever using me for things she wants. She don’t love me, she never did.

It don’t matter anyway, atleast I’m alive.. who cares, I care.

I’m always trying to do the right thing but its not working for me.. What is right and wrong anyway.

Do I think too much.

They took from me, I’ll take from them. Heartless much.

Argh. I can’t do it, it’s pointless.. I won’t win, I have heart..chaotic yes but it burns for more. I’ll hurt me instead.

Can they hear my thoughts, they can hear my thoughts..

“Ohhh Nooo!!”

Why are they staring at me.

They make me feel weird.

Maybe its better being high, It blocks out the world.

Should I just act like them, maybe I won’t be an outcast.. “but then that means i’ll be going against me”

Why do I make myself feel this way.

Forever distancing myself from the world. I may be the problem, but aren’t we all the problem?

I’m a loner but I don’t feel alone – I just have no one to feel what I feel. Why do I feel so strongly. What is feelings.

I’m a weirdo. No your not. Yes I am. No your not. YES I AM.

NO I’M NOT! I’M JUST ME – BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE.

Silence.

These were the thoughts slipping in and out of my brain growing up, and now i’ve reached a part of myself where I can view me. . .properly. I would sit in silence listening to my mind, I would walk around viewing all around me but I learnt that being free paid a heavy price, and this turnt me against myself. I didn’t feel lovable much, I knew I was beautiful.. not the outside beauty but in my secret place.. I knew this without a doubt. I hid alot because I chose not too want to pass the pain, I understood passing it causes havoc but I saw resisting made it worse not for me, but for others who did want to get close. I locked myself In. As I grew I found my freedom again, but then I was attacked once again.. Why wasn’t I able to understand my mind? It seemed like people could tap in and out of me, as I thought. I was an open picture for all to see, unfinished but adding different colors as I went along and yet some took their brush and were purposely ruining my art.

Do we let others ruin us?

Do we ruin ourselves?

Why are we always allowing others to walk over us?

Why are people always comparing us to others?

Why are we forced to do things even when we are not ready?

Why can’t we just say no?

Why are we victims.

Why does heartache play on us.

Why do we overthink.

Even whilst choosing not to care, I never really understood why I let things pass and never dealt with them there and then. I was really good at acting like I didn’t care.

Blank faced it all.

As teens and young adults and some older adults too we have been caught up in our minds, our feelings.. some of us having no one to talk too but a paper and a pen or even so the open air. Some people call it our ego, I’ll call it the dark side. To all those dealing with issues such as: Depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, ptsd, adhd, bipolar, anorexia and many other mind altering dis-orders you are never alone. Many of us deal with this and force ourselves to face eachday refusing to let the outside world get to us, even though we know it plays it’s games, or maybe it’s us – who knows. I must admit I was embarrased having a mental breakdown to my manager at work due to the pressures of life but hey.. it happens.

To all suffering mentally I just want to tell you, you will always be worth it. Don’t let the mind control you. Its all conditioned, other conditioned minds have more power in the whole matrix that it affects you heavily. You are wonderfully and beautifully made. Greater is he in you than he who is in the world. Well done for understanding your issues, for knowing your struggles and choosing to see it.. well done for getting up everyday and choosing to look at yourself and make yourself better in character.. even though at times you can’t face the world you face yourself. Find one thing about you that you wouldn’t ever trade or change about yourself, ponder on it.. think about it and strive to enhance it.  Your a warrior, a hero, your someone that I needed.. maybe you never might of been able to help me but maybe we could of shared our feelings and in doing so push ourselves to be better.. or maybe it would of been toxic, who knows.

As a fellow sister who somehow was left behind in the matrix on my own the majority of the time, trying to figure life out I understand the feeling. I know the uneasiness. The sickness. The struggle. The emotional up and downs.

Please, don’t go through it alone. Talk to someone. Speak it out, some of us have healed ourselves but thats a hard road. We are all healers somehow, but Its important to talk to those who really care – who would really listen without judging you or making you feel like you are a problem.

We were born to help eachother, to better eachother, to build eachother and not tear each other down.

I’m proud of alot of people who have overcome, who are on the road to overcome, who are in the healing process now.

We’re all sick trying to get better.

I pray you make it through, with all my heart. I pray we all do. One way or another, we are all one. We all feel. We all see.

You got it. (I will never forget the person who told me this)

You really do. Let your heart open once again. Do not be afraid.. because your only fear is you versus you and no one else.

Be Love. We will make it through, we all will.