Estranged…

His hands pulled her in close, and he muttered words sincere into her ears. His breath circulating down her neck, swimming into the pools of her spine, melting into the pores of her delicate skin.

His hands held her hand gently, knowing the touch of her love could destroy his sanctuary –  he couldn’t hold her any longer. . She was weakening his heart the more she blocked his arms from touching her, the more she looked away the weaker he became. She showed no affection towards him, her eyes blankly looked into his, as his own spoke words that he did not understand. She tried to pull away from his gripped hands, but he wouldn’t let go.

He wrapped his arms around her, but her body was lifeless in his.. he kissed her neck and his own heart beated, but he never felt hers. . he always felt hers but why didn’t it no longer beat for him?

He looked at her, “Baby” he said ..

She looked away. He kissed her lips, and how sweet they felt, her small heart shaped lips hugged his but without hope. . they stood perplex in between his own. His soul vibrated strongly in his body, his heart realizing this was ending.. she was letting go, she was killing their connection. . she was destroying what she had come to know in the expense of her own freedom. ‘Did she love me this much, to grow this cold’ he wondered.

Deep down she wanted one last hold, one last warmth of his tender touch, his smile on her cheeks and his hands tickling her neck – her arms wrapped around his tummy. She wanted to jump at him and for him to catch her, to lay with her and stare into space. To laugh the whole night and share a sweet kiss. To share a dance in the living room, to ponder into eachother eyes and grin. To be silent with no words and listen to the atomsphere. She didn’t want anything fancy. . all she ever wanted was just him. . . his naked soul. That was too much to ask for because it wasn’t the simple story she expected. She was always scared, and so was he.

This feeling of fighting for something she never understood pushed her away from his hold even though it was the last thing she desired before walking away.

He knew.

He knew and felt it slip away.

He knew it would someday just disappear, it was too good to be true, it was just too good to be true.

He played with her fingers and walked more closely into her, until there faces were touching, he twirled her around – sat down on the sofa and pulled her onto his lap. She tried to budge, but he held her little waist.

“I know you love me, I know you love me” he whispered.

She continued on the urge to push away but he touched her tummy and she stopped budging. He closed his eyes and held her tummy, her heart began to beat with his but she quickly stood and ran towards the living room door. He managed to get to the door before her, and stood there staring into her. . He was softened by their wars of love that he had to keeping fighting.

She forced her way to the door handle, but he put his hands on the door. Tears rolling down her eyes, she said nothing.

His heart couldn’t bear to see her cry, but he had too.

His soul yearned to hold her, to cradle her and give her every part of his but she wouldn’t let him. She was pulling away. She was creating an empty space between them and he understood this was it – it was coming to an end. She was estranged. She was running away for good, and she was never going to come back again.

He didn’t want to let her go, he knew it would only destroy the part he had left to give. He needed to give it, but it felt too late.

“I love you” he said, “I love you more than words, and I don’t want to say this, but I have too.. your always in my heart and always on my mind. I may have done things to hurt you but I’ve done my best to make things right in me. I know you enough to know you love me beyond words too”. He looked down. She knew this was true.

“I love you enough, but enough has an end”

He stood there saddened, he didn’t want to plead and look like a fool, he had to just show her that she loved him.. he had to make her understand how much she really did care. His eyes were bloodshot and he shouted, he shouted aloud and ran towards the sitting room. He took the vase and smashed it, he begun to rip the curtains tearing them completely. He walked into the kitchen and took the neatly placed plates and smashed them one by one. She ran by the kitchen door and watched him yelling, fury in his face, trickles of tears ran down her eyes, she began to gasp – taking deep breaths. Her heart tugged her to walk towards him and her mind told her run, leave him. She listened to her heart and she ran towards him.

“Stop, pleaseeee…stop” Her eyes met his and her hands touched the next plate he was soon to smash. He looked back at her his fury beginning to calm down – she took the plate from his hands and they both sat down on the kitchen floor and she hugged him. They both cried, their spirits merging.. he held her so tightly, he kissed her cheeks.. he pulled her face to him and they intimately gazed into eachother, the atomsphere in their breath alone. He couldn’t breath, she was lost for air, he closed his eyes and pulled in close to kiss and in that moment..

 

 

She disappeared. She was gone. He opened his eyes feeling an emptiness come over him. He looked around.

“Babyyyyy” he shouted, he stood up the kitchen wasn’t a mess the plates were neatly stacked onto shelves, he went into the living room – the curtains were perfectly hanging loose – the vase was on the pure white marble table.

He held his head. Her spirit was estranged. She was gone – and there was no coming back. In whatever way he called, he knew she had moved on, she was just his imagination.. an old love lost.

She walked away, and left him with the memory of her Spirit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note-worthy

What does it mean?

Seemingly being all that you were and are already.

Distinction of the finest efforts applyed by domestic care, you are the outcome.

Sobriety in a dis-illusioned setting, mystic at it’s core but the enemy somehow lurks to falsify the effect. A saviour much, as so it may appear to be, don’t be fooled. Sinners we are, turnt to heros in the darkest hours.

An answer for much, a sight of some.. a word spoken an explanation heard, ways to help… words of hope, cry on me. The time to solve an issue beyond you. Tired, but continually resulting to one.

Who can you run too, in order to understand – I guess we face our trials in the mist of others and yes – this is healing as well as putting our part in the past. Shimmering away to the comfort of our being. I saw me in them. I saw me in them, it somehow was a play, one I understood – one I saw beckoning in the mist of us. The heart understood, would it come back?

    It did, slowly.. the gesture was always the niceness.. the mother correcting and encouraging. Problems anyone?

Run to her. No problems well, she is no longer remembered.

It is a cycle, viewed as understanding to oneself and offering to life and it’s form. Learn to live through it all, leave behind the things that replay. I see you, you see me. Full stop.

 I’m cosy here, away – mesmerised by the planets decay and yet by it’s cure in the womb. Why fathom that which shall not be understood but continually is within a cycle.

Mono-tone, with a smile of acceptance.

There is no pity is there? A raised eyebrow maybe…

Quite frankly a dismissal of a stare. Look away.

This is no beating heart, or drooling love, or the poise of residing in a make believe society.

Common words are told: Solitude invites many, but you drive them away by one’s own fortitude.

This is noteworthy:

Establish an inner arc preserved for the witness, melancholy may try to war the arc – harshness – the battles of the sinful nudes of the calamity of the world – but the arc is a solid construction. . built not by solid hands but by the Divine melody of life.

 Swiftly riding on… quietly… in the song.

 

 

Countless – Amid?

Somehow we are ascending.

Somehow we are possessing more than silver and gold.

How some have eliminated the vision of true perception in the gratifiction of the lures and deception of humanity.

Loves lost? Of course not but it’s ever growing motion is some-what a distinct divergent, an alliance to intrinsic value – a virtue amiss to men but unto an accountable man it is his freedom. We are not in a cycle of systematic law, but a cycle of living truth.

Can you untie my shoe laces without hands, can you shave my hair with a comb. . .is it possible to instill power or isit merely residing in the dormant hands of fear waiting to be released? Do you understand the reality of all three – which is all possible, and truly a matter of ways in a way.

A standard you use for another is the standard used for you.

The unfairness projected is hidden and you hold the clues, amid the imaginations of men some delerious and others emancipated by glee – you are mono-tone to discover the clue which happens in the twirl of the mind, or possibly the heart – the floating of the soul – or maybe the stillness of Spirit..Twirl?

The 360 twirls delights in one’s discovery of resolution of the ultimate surface of reality and then digging into its literal deposits in the soul.

I delight in the proportionate chemistry that is shared between God (The Creator of the heavenly of heavenlies) – and  of his creation in the earthly mother of mankind and yet still the earthly mother is a child of the human race.

The lucid contrast of all and yet subtle simularity is a sweet and undeniable mystery and never-ending in fact.

Countless we are – amid the blur of a clear monumental existence.

Countless Amid – Counting forever – Surrounded by forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Heart of a Man

We witness. We see ourselves and the world. The world either being in us or us in the world. Is it a strange fact that,

“The heart is decietful, above all things” Jeremiah 17:9

I wonder why we base alot of our life perceptions from this place, from this weary and tired rock where emotions pass through and the electricity of our minds dim the enlightenment of the heart. As humans we long for freedom, and freedom is what we have.. the cages we are in are the perception of the reality given to us but not the reality within reality – which truly goes un-noticed. The small things.

Can a man truly ascend past the limitations of his own wants, desires and fulfilments – can he give up everything he knows and has just to go on a quest for truth?

The hidden abilities of the potential of one’s own soul is a ultimatum – a destiny of his own pact with the greatest force of Life.

Didn’t John say “Greater is he that is in you than he who is in the world” 1 John 4:4

Have we not established that the very heart of a man is an abomination to the true abstract view of society and life?

“Do not judge and you will not be Judged, do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven” Luke 6:37

Where can a man go to clear the hidden dirt of the heart, the trickery of its secrets. . .what would it profit him to gain the world and lose his soul at the price of the eyes of his heart being blind.

Are you the choice or is the choice you.

Are you the judge or are you already judged.

Can you truly see, or is your sight an instruction of systematic laws and common known behaviours of a rebel living a lawless life.

We are carved on the cross with Christ, being either one of the thieves on the right hand or left hand of Christ.

One although nearly dying professed his faith to desire more life.. he could see beyond pain, death and the limits of his own body, he saw himself and he saw his unworthiness and realized the power of life to empower him again. Therefore he asked Christ to remember him, and he was promised eternal life in paradise.

Yet the other drowned in his own loathsomeness of his actions, he condemned life and told its power within Christ to save itself. He did not percieve life and could not understand it, because of this his mockery of it showed he was already judged.

Which one are you?

 

As.. was, and still is we are all aware

Not much left to say…

Its a message for us all. Life.

No matter what man has made of it, no matter what the enemy has tried to take from each and every human being thats ever lived.

So much of us, have words left unspoken.. words that no longer needs to be said. Potentially we are all hoping, for the best, to figure what the misson of Life is.

Patiently, waiting. Patiently, observing. Patiently, admiring.

A fleeting life, here today gone tomorrow. Nothing is ever promised but the gift of experiencing this existence again – in the way Life intended for us all definately is.

We are all in the image of the supreme God, each of us holding the sacred key within us, the connection to the light.

I often times’s asked God to take me out of this mess, tried to do the honours of taking myself out too, it never worked..

I wondered to myself so many times, what was the reasoning behind the blinking of my eyes. . .behind the quietness in the Spirit. We all have questions.

Some will be answered and others won’t be.

The sun, moon and stars cannot fathom the mysteries of their ownselves although they know the order they are to come forth – likewise however much I try to get deeper to this life, much is revealed but not fully exposed.  

I have to hold on to my God, my hope is to always be with the Holy Spirit, my best friend.

I miss God alot, although he is here and near. I seem to miss the world where we all were, the place where freedom existed – where we played like children, laughing and joking – running around in joy. I’ve seen glimpses, of this joy.

Two young beautiful angelic beings playing before my eyes.

I couldn’t touch them, they swiftly came into my presence laughing with complete joy, chasing eachother and disappearing into the air. . .

This world will never be enough, no matter how much you have or what little you possess. The overall presence of Life in this world is our greatest gift. . The presence of it’s Creator among us.

Some things I wish to say, somethings cannot be said. . overall there is nothing much left to say. . . nothing much left to say.

 

 

 

Over Again…

I should be truthful.

This place, this infinite movement of life – this existence in the spiritual essence of our natural beings is a blessing, a beauty far beyond rubies.

Somehow it’s like dancing in the air, gliding through the heavy petals of rain pounding on the sacred earth.

Somewhere in between this it hovers, it stares blamelessly – it laugh’s hysterically it talks to understand, to see you. . .it’s eyes wide open to SEE you. It’s embrace a different home than ever experienced, it’s hold a true comfort but a distant rememberance.

No’one would ever really satisfy this place, it’s hidden – a diamond in disguise, a rough but sharpened sword on the rock and gold refined in the fire.

Knowing this truth, shows me even the calms and pressures of Love is itself it’s own yearning for it’s own, own.

Yet so I wonder, only the presence and home of an ever-seeing and ever-present – eternal being-creator of all can really keep this secret place at an ease.

She ran because she knew it’s true power wasn’t of this world – she would hide and yet still fight. She then came out – and resulted to hiding once again.

All that came with the price of this . . .this precious gift that she shared within with God.. need she say anymore?

The gateways of a world that’s only destruction is to lie, steal, kill and destroy to pollute the beauty of the treasures created from inside.

I want to pull back, I want to avoid what some may not understand. I want to.. silently, with no words. I want to smile and then evaporate into the realities of light.

We all cried Love once.

We all thought somehow we would find it in another.

We all once, loved. . either in betrayal or in give or take.

I face it, another One.

I face it.

The sweat pouring from my head, the heat in my soul tickling my every part of my delicate body. Do you know this.. Spirit. I knew it, but it all came to hit me all again.

It came to show me all that I had to know. Too test all I were.

In a bubble of lies, a system of manipulation, a playground of hallucinations… yet I stare helplessly out the window…helplessly..

As Jesus soothes my strengthened heart – I ponder it all.

For all its worth, should he ever love me, should he even try,

could he ever really know.. would he ever really know.

For all its worth, they all came and saw scarecrows.

Yeah, look at me… go ahead, I know it’s your chance to see isn’t it.

The chance to see the InSane.

To watch it unfold before you

Over Again.

Continue reading “Over Again…”

The Pursuit of Love

You’ve seen a feather right?

The way it flows and has it’s own rhythm.

You’ve seen a singing bird haven’t you, sitting on the bark of a  sweet cocoa tree relaxing to it’s own melodies.

You have seen two lovers, hold on tight to eachother – that sweet surrender of a comfort gaze in eachother eyes. Do you know what it takes for us. . .they echoe to the world, for us to feel this way, be this way, give this way – to be empty and full of eachother – free and yet joint – one but yet individuals.

Vulnerability. Intention. Mastery.

These are elements of ourselves we use everyday, sometimes we hardly recognize it. I often time’s wonder why the revelation itself to this supreme essence of our beings is unexplainable, words try to tell the tale of an infant growing..learning and branching out.

Words are a fragment of this pursuit.

We linger behind them hoping they come out correct, that they are organized and not muddled. In an exhausting yawn I’d say they are never ending words.

Poetry, conversations, debates, arguements, letters, stories, songs, rap’s, sign language, speeches and any more beautiful ways that we use words to articulate our emotions and express feelings.

Each civilaztion must learn what the pursuit of love is, each generation must undergo the trials of intimate living – the trials of Spirits who long for deeper sense of Life.

A tree is beautifully perched on the soil, to and fro it’s branches and leaves wave to every living being. The waters beside it recieving it’s love as it intimately connects with the particles released in the air. . .this is the flow of their aliveness – their own friendship.

In sync.

You and I, I and You, Us both.

Imagine dissolving with the ocean.. becoming the water itself, to chase the wind as it beats against your wave. To hold the boat as it leans on you for strength, to wash his feet as he stares out at the far end of the sea, mesmerized by the soft touch of the ripples.

Its real right? Us.

We keep beginning and as people we never want to slip away, sometimes we do though. To not be weighed down by the unfortunate realities in the world but to honour the truth in the reality of it taking place.

Souls in a land burderned with unpleasent history.

It lurks in the forests, an ambush of rebels – a howl of an owl – informing all living creatures of an intruder, yes..

The earth cries blood of innocent men, the suffering of helpless women, screams of children playing, wails of a hungry baby.

The world.

It unexpectantly forces you to be silent, pulls you in and pushes you out.

Do we grow too quick.

Do we seek much.

Are we learners of a superior world out of this solar system – I’d answer that question as yes.

Its the forbidden fruit that led us to question all that we ever were, who in which we were to serve. It was the forbidden fruit that carved a deep longing inside us, to desire depth of a life questionable and unquestionable. It was with us, it was us, the longing was not longing, it was your side and mine.

Era’s of human philosophy transcending limits of the evolution of men yet circulating in the same bubble. We sought to be in touch, yet we are untouching the touch – the ever breathing emotion of what is.. not us but all.

No matter what goes on in life we solve not everything, for minds of men are occupied with the thoughts of the ‘morrow or how to provide for today.

Society has changed much.

Life has changed, and continues to do so. *smiles*

We must bear in mind, nothing is new under the sun.

We ought love in One.

It’s easier said then done isn’t it. Some of us hide away from such pollution, some of us seek to build better for our loved ones, some of us tired and exhausted of a system that has no nutrients, but is a disease to human nature.

Yours sincerely, we aspire to be words so dearly.. that smother you with home and glee.

Where is home, and what is our glee.

The heart has the knowledge of its own – and in that building it forms a home. The Spirit has a quietness to its being, within it lies a soft glee of essence transcending time and eternity.

Where there is nothing, nothing but the sweet merry feather floating in the air . . .

Right in the mist of that feather, flys a dove and behind the dove a sweet angel sings a song ‘My little sunshine’

The pursuit of love could none else be but the experiment of life’s whole existence, not me, not you, or we but the talking prescence alive between it all.

Observing as it was, as it is and now.

Let there be light, and yes.. it shone and formed all for all to see.

Silence.

 

 

I Promised.

I promised.

I promised myself.

No more.

I don’t know who it is, neither do I know what it is. . because it isn’t me.

Its hard to explain it, its out of my hands and I put it behind me. I genuinly don’t want nothing to do with it. It was what it was, and I learnt – the heart is a lie. . the soul recognizes it but I don’t want it to be here.

The feeling is something that I always wanted to disappear. I ain’t a fool, I’ve been foolish yes, but never will allow myself to be a fool again. I write my feelings because if I don’t I will go mad, if it isn’t paper then it’s here – where the soul expresses it self. I read so my mind is relaxed, I just read or write.. or stare into space, sing or dance and other things thats abit weird but who isn’t weird.

I can’t go in a cycle of letting go and then remembering, why can’t he just disappear and leave me alone.

I don’t play these games, I just don’t play these games.

Your either in or out.

Hot or cold.

I’ll be relaxed, calm just doing me but a memory hits me.. a face is reminded to me and the tears begin. I pray for it to leave me, I begged God to remove it, and for it to not be a part of me anymore. I’ve had such a long time to get over what this was, whatever this was. For real, as a young woman its cool, we can cry, we have emotions, we can feel.. but this is stupid now. Even I’m tired of this love…. if it’s love anyway.

I won’t run, I don’t need too because why should I?

I’m allowed to be where I am in me, why should anyone chase me from me. Maybe its me or maybe its him..who knows.

Funny enough. Love always knows *laughs* it always knows..

So there is no maybe you or maybe me, thats being childish *laughs* We always know.

I made a solemn promise to myself, that nothing like this will ever control my life again.

EVER AGAIN.

I can truly not care, I have it in me not too but its not a nice place to be and it goes against my soul so I have to go along with the caring.. cry and not deny it.. talk myself through my promise..smile, write, exercise and eat. Simple. No biggy, no problems. A guy is just a guy. Us deep lovers know how it is, we can REALLY disconnect or REALLY connect. Its that real. We can cover everything or we can just show everything.

Men are just men, ain’t nothing special in it apart from that.

*winks*

Yes, God made them first and they are the real expression of Gods Love if he’s got himself right and is experienced *laughs* which majority of the time older men are. A Woman is an expression of him, and in God she carries his own and her own – vice versa. I study men at times, the same way a woman can fall head over heels so can he.. he does so silently, smoothly, and carefully he has a knowing.. in his knowing he fits it with her and gradually builds.. trying to control his compulsive sexual behaviour. She knows this, if he is real he’ll speak his truth regarding his impulses, if he isn’t he’ll fall into the hands of another woman rather quickly, who will be ready to grasp him for the night.. maybe longer who knows. A mans fantasy drives him for long periods of time.. This is something he alone must learn to tame. A woman is not led by compulsive sexual behaviours but by her heart which can quickly be decieved and a man can quite simply enter into it, and she falls into the net. She must not listen to her heart, she must pay attention to it but understand her soul and the loyalty joint from the soul to spirit governs the heart, mind etc.

A great man understands his fantasies and loses his interest in their superficial charm, he seeks for something long-lasting, a challenge to his nature not sexually although that would intrigue him more but moreso mentally, spiritually, soulfully but at the same time soothing to his nature, peaceful, adventurous and exciting. Each has their preference.

Same way he plays, so can she.. but she does it too bite nothing else. She does it merely to stab him in his own nature, this cripples him because she’s meant to be soft as he is, maybe softer and shes meant to manage it well – but once she has his soft place – her bite will sting, tear his guts and leave him emotionless for a while.. if she has not learnt prudence in trials and tribulations, then she will bite and make it strong too. Her prudence must surpass her feelings, but her prudence should not overule her spiritual revelation to how, why and what is the result for this act. Human behaviour is a bundle of unexplained situations, unorthdox behaviours but with spiritual awareness one can examine and see.. and this my friend ..this takes patience. Patience must not allow you to be a fool, but must reveal the foolishness of the situation and merely weigh a persons true intentions. This is disastrous. A complete mess. haha. Being slow to anger and kind gives you the shrewdness to work under drastic situations.

Hence why Love can appear to be a dangerous game. Although it is not a game. I REPEAT, LOVE IS NOT A GAME.

It is somewhat a Revelation, to you, me, mankind.. for all.

Its the state of spirit. Soul must yield to Spirit to help it evaluate everything and so effectively implement rightful actions towards ones ownself and the other.

Its either you play the game – the game is your physical nature and the mind and a loose heart or you outsmart it but are dis-satisfied because you may not win… The best thing is to lean not on ones own understanding but to be governed by the principles of God in Love.  Spiritual awareness, discernment and wisdom. This brings assurance to both parties.. loyalty consists of standing for Love seperately and together and in this there is no fear. There is only joy, and happy moments and of course.. tests to ones own nature and to both put together.

Hence why a man treads carefully in his heart with women, for the bite will be very strong. You see, its all a stupid cycle un-necessary, pointless, completely a waste of time. The game is a dangerous venom, poisonus, it will destroy you – so women get out of games!!! Do not be in a game and stop trying to be the game.. theres to many games out there. There is no competition. Trust me. Revelation is better than a game to see love before you, or the potential of it is better than a game. Games last a little bit but finish leaving us gagging.

Men, just quit playing games.. we know you control it so whats the point, come as you are, be honest and real.. thats all. We learn though, we get it, that all that time it was pretty simple, yeah.. but oh well.. we therefore move forward. Mistakes are good for us all.

I am secretly crazy and I just don’t want to care no more, my soul rests in my craziness – it somehow tames it. Love quietens me and peace is my friend when I holla at faith. This has aways been the way it’s worked for me.

Why someone would like to come and interrupt this, does not make sense. Is this my own Love, because if it is..  its crazy, real crazy.. playing games on me.. me *laughs* Its a joke.

However crazy it makes me be, I’m still calm. How is this possible, I don’t know.. but God is real. I know silently it’s dangerous but it refuses to be fired up because it knows.. it shouldn’t.. it really shouldn’t.

Let it rest in its calm, smiling when it wants.. why remind me.

Its best I truly write this out or windows will be smashed if I just sit in silence, they know my feelings.. they listen to me talk and they cry with me, they go humid when tears are in my eyes *laughs* so basically my windows cry with me.

I should be a sumarai, maybe a powerpuff or I don’t even know. This writing has actually helped me though. Seriously I was on the verge of screaming!!!

Please understand feelings are sometimes so cruel, they aways try to come back. Always. Like why? stay awayyyyy… far.. far.. away! Maybe I should just be a love counsellor to myself, or maybe live in the rainforest and be best buddies with the gorillaz they may understand me better.. they don’t say much it’s just their gestures show real affection.

*sigh* This was geuinely my writing therapy and at the end of it, the thing.. *gasps* you see if I try to explain the thing or person the picture of him may try and come back in my head.. so i’ll avoid it!!! A recent engeenir came to my house and told me go out and have fun, drink and find someone, experiment. I’d rather avoid that. *yawns*

So a little note to me:

‘Its okay girl, your heart was unaware, you fell in love with the game baby.. you didn’t even know how to play it. You to busy crying, and wanting a man to love you, who didn’t care, he didn’t even have the time anyway booboo *laughs* ahhh, girl you nearly fell for the damn snake. Sister please, never again!!! Jesus got to lead you, not your heart baby, not your heart.. it’s decietful above all things sister.. never be decieved in your heart! Just live soulfully as you were, someone who may understand you might come along. If not don’t worry yourself.. Love is revelation so life may show you something completely new! Who knows? There’s plenty of time for partnerships. DON’T LET YOUR FEELINGS CONTROL YOU GIRL!!! HE GONE, LONG GONE.

And REMEMBER – know you are wonderfully and beautifully made.

A Hidden Diamond!

And to one who finds you, finds a wonderful treasure indeed!

 

 

Dear Jesus XxXxX

I bet your looking at me now like what do you want now.

*smiles*

I never write my prayers out in public but thought to type this out. Right now, I wish I was up in the heavens singing with the angels and those pretty flowers I saw singing to you ever so beautifully, on the greenery by the pathway going towards the amazing waterfall in the centre of the city. Your throne is woah.. like woah.. this earth and it’s luxuries CANNOT BE COMPARED TO YOUR THRONE AND THE HEAVENS, AND ITS BEAUTY.  The city itself is unfathomable but your throne, is just… muuaaaad. This is something any man will know when they get the chance to see it, not only in prayer but in you inviting them to see you on the throne. I hope more people experience it, when they do hmm.. boy oh boy.. will they realize that The Fathers throne ain’t no joke! Jesus your on the right side of The Father so you kicking it back, chilling.. watching us all.. intervening with your mercy, love and forgiveness. The Holy Spirit, ahhh couldn’t be more greatful.. so so so greatful for such an amazing gift bestowed upon me. Thankyou Jesus, honestly.

Those flowers sounded so beautiful, better than any voice ever heard on planet earth, I remember I use to ask you to give me one of their voices lol every prayer haha but hey who knows maybe everytime we praise abit of pollen from those flowers in heaven gets put in our spirit to enhance our praises..

It feels different, our relationship. It seems like it’s grown, its been a struggle but a blessing. I’m blessed. I don’t say that much but deep down knowing you and what we have shared I know it. You seen me through so much. No one will ever know what you mean to me.. and to others you have also helped in this world too.. mad love to them! I’m still the little me that gets up and sits on my bed talking to the open space/air and literally catching jokes with you over things people would probably find weird, you still listen though.

No words will ever express so much of your love that you have shown to me. I may not be out there, and associate with the world much or even you know, be apart of the boxes of this society.. which makes me abit weird .. but i’m cool with that..

When I tried to be in the box you kept telling me off!!! Like man the punishments I got was bare weird like, it was as if you was here proper, like a dad would discipline his child in real life physical form. Your here though, I know. I feel you. I feel so honoured to know you and to experience your truth in my life. The battles we fought and the wars in the spiritual realms have been real.. Some went by silently.. it’s crazy, you somehow made me silent in them.. when they were so huge. I’d still be talking about you, telling others of you whilst battling in darkness. Was it to make me stronger? Or to be able to know that it’s better to trust you than to put trust in man? I firmed alot, barely had friends and was always home alone haha so had no choice but to kind of deal with life and the call the way you planned for me.. even when I tried to run and not be home you always called me back. I understand your providence in my life has been real, very real. You’ve actually taught me everything Christ. No church, no religious leader, or even my Ma taught me and trust you know she is faithful boyyy, it was you..the Holy Spirit literally guided me in everything I have come to know.

Everything I didn’t understand you would show me, all I did was ask. Visions, dreams, people along the way that came and just words they would say.. Journaling my whole experiences with you.. reading books and discussing them with you in my bedroom as always. I remember John many years ago when I was 17, Ma’s friend .. I remember he told me, the Holy Spirit was his best friend, that he would laugh with it..and sit down in his living room discussing everything and just be smiling. In my head I was thinking thats me though, I do that. He told me all this wide eyed with a face of love.. now I understand. I fully understand what he meant. From young I would talk to you sitting on my bed but you finally came to me and showed yourself to me in my bedroom when I least expected it. Thats when the talks elevated, thats when you became more real, even though I believed.. I wasn’t just sitting there thinking I’m just talking and hopefully you hear. So you do listen..the dove was real and BEAUTIFUL, all 5 of them. How many years of me just talking to the air and BAMMM you appear when i’m 19, your always there..you are always there despite how we feel, ain’t got nothing to do with the world like that. Its Love man, real love.. priceless.

You have held me up, through things I didn’t expect to experience earlier in life in the spiritual realms and later on till this day too. Theres purpose for everything, a reason for everything. My faith in you will never go. I just hope in you and pray with every part of me you never leave me. Your my best friend. I think now as I sit and ponder about this all i’m forced to be stronger and bolder than ever. You have been my solid holder, literally.. where would I have been.

Every experience, my diaries, my love poems, every deep emotion connected to the depth of spirit I have felt because you was there allowing me to experience all the things I journeyed through. I guess sometimes, I wondered why? Questioning my reactions, my actions, my thoughts, my being. How could such faith be tested ongoingly, but life is a battle of the flesh and the mind with the heart and our spirit. . . to those who seek realness in the pain and struggles of life within themselves and outside of themselves.. you walked it, so you know.. divine as you are.

Did you ever think why did the Father not take the pain away Jesus? When you had to carry that cross, even though you knew you had to die for the truth and for mankind to know that truth in themselves through your walk.. even though you knew it was what you were called to do.. You probably didn’t think at all right, you just said your will be done Lord, and then went along with the plan.

Its a serious life we live, the narrow way is very serious. You said it was a hard road but in the end leads to life, and that is life to the full a blessing you give your children who seek you in Spirit and in Truth. You were right. This I knew in my heart growing up that this world was no ordinary world and other worlds existed. Innocence is sweet, life a gift.

Theres things about this life that some people haven’t come to realize, some people are aware of it and others are not. I have  been in my little bubble with you for so long, in and out of this knowing. I was acting like Jonah once the bubble got burst it was like my whole world was over. I couldn’t be a baby anymore.

*smiles* Your proper my day 1 .. like literally.

Your the only one who kept your word to me in this whole life.

Psalm 27 said it well. So I had to grasp it for myself.. sometimes parents forsake their children.. and children forsake their parents. We are always to put our faith in you before everything. So at 12 when I made a decision to get baptized, after all the weird dreams you kept showing me ..I said it would always be you. I made a vow you would be my best friend. You seriously have been, it’s funny but true in my mistakes I’d secretly come back and cry it out, some things I never understood but man in my softness you did make me strong even when it appeared I was a pushover or just plain weak! Acting tough was me trying to be strong but it didn’t work lol. Life has been changing for everyone, for centuries.. everything you said about sin, righteousness and judgement of this world was true. We cannot deny it, the believers know. There own lives are a living witness to it.

We seen it before, we’ve seen too much before it’s time.

We have lived.

Your my roar.. fully exposed.

Its alot for me, for us all of faith. . but you said you’ll never leave us nor forsake us so I’ll trust you through it all. The journey of Long Life Souls in Narnia.

I love you Jesus.

So to the next part and stage of my life through this seemingly time travelling society, please take my hand and lead me, guide me on the narrow path continuosly, and I all I ask is just please don’t leave me man lol even though you won’t I just need to say that! You already know, you already know it goes. Let my heart to be courageous and kind, honest and loving. My spirit to always remain loyal to you and then to those close to me.

I hope my life will be a blessing to those around me, and that I’ll forever walk with you..knowing deep down You are my shepherd and I shalt not want for you will always make a way as long as I believe. Psalm 23 all day everydayyyyy, Ma did well making us recite that psalm from early.. word for word you know xxx

Let wisdom, knowledge, understanding, insight, foresight and your infinite Love abide in me all the days of my life as well as your goodness and mercy.

To All who have faith, let them continue being the warriors they are, bless their individual walk with you and let us all shine your light to a world that needs to know .. that our saviour lives and yes.. we all will see you face to face once again.

My Love for life, my first Love.. Thankyou Jesus..

In the name of The Father, the Christ and in The Holy Spirit

ONE xxxxxxxx

 

 

 

Neither One of Us.

I’m not ashamed to say I’m insane in Love. I can’t be that crazy, because I’m in my sanity but at times i’m blurred from my own reality.

I’m not playing games, I’ve been led along the way to this point and I’ve watched myself. . . it’s been an interesting view.

I’m a bundle of joy but a loner, I like my own company but truthfully I haven’t been alone. I’ve always had my divine Spirit to talk too, my divine has been the bestest friend I could ever ask for.

I understand I’m a little strange because of this

but I can’t deny this part of who God made me to be.

A child at nature but a serious dame when called to fight the tides of life. Yes, i’m vulnerable.. always have been..and I hated this part of myself. I’ve tried to protect my vulnerability but it’s never worked.. It reveals itself. I guess me trying to be strong is just an illusion.. my weakness is my strength.. or is my strength my weakness? It’s neither one of us.

There are days I want to disappear not for bad reasons just to disappear, to be a snowflake. Other times I want to jump up and down on my bed, sometimes I do.. other times I sit on my bed and giggle.. and I just can’t stop. It’s been like this for years.

I walk up and down in my bedroom talking to myself.. always done this since a child – and it never left.

Sometimes I have nothing to say to myself so I literally stare at the wall. . .Other times I stare out the window..

Sitting in silence.

My divine always lets me express myself, I’ve somehow learnt

to understand that my divine and me are one.

When I was a little younger..I was ashamed of this friendship I had. It was like having an imaginary friend, I was dependent on it.. it made me aware of things.  My divine was my best friend in the good and the bad.. later on in life ..The Spirit finally made itself known to me. I kind of needed it too.

My divine promised me that it would never leave me, at times I felt it did. Even in my most vulnerable moments it held me.

LOVE.

Is a powerful force. Its left me splattered with nothingness and yet filled me with everything at the same time. I always knew it would do this to me. I understood the highs weren’t forever but the peaceful knowing was a comforter.

It hasn’t been for the love of family, friends, a boy or a man thats ever made me truly ride for Love. This part of me is unexplainable I know it resides with my soul..

Its a part of me that strongly feels, not for anyone but just to feel..it’s a secure pressure within.. it tugs me, pulls me, breaks me, looks me in my eyes and tells me nothing. It stares at me, just like a floating feather I see it dancing through my eyes. This part of me connects me with things, people, situations, animals, specific locations and always gave me visions. This part of me often made me isolate myself. I didn’t trust people, let alone myself..only a few I could relate too.. even so I’d take long periods away from people.

I never truly understood it.

This part of me.. It made me smile in the mornings though..

                                It still makes me smile.

 at times it did pull me to want to experience something deep with another person but it never happened. This part wouldn’t open for just anyone.. it wasn’t allowed too.

                                               I always run from it anyway. I don’t know if this is selfish but its true. I know I sense strongly, but it has nothing to do with that – What i’m trying to explain cannot be explained unless my soul was to dissolve in someone elses.. another soul who understands more than the physical.. maybe then that unexplainable thing will find its answer.. but would I run away again?

I’ve some-how been in a daze but awake..

tried to force myself asleep but it never worked.

I had to keep being there.. all the time. I felt like I was asleep sometimes but I actually weren’t and how funny it was. I stayed silent in the worst moments, laughed when I should of cried, cried when I should of been smiling.. spoke too much when I could of said nothing, looked away when I should of looked straight at the situation.

Looking away means protecting myself.

To let others see what has been mis-understood was some-what a fantasy. It’s alot for myself and sometimes it takes returning.. returning home.

HOME?

Yes.. I take breaks from the world, I’ll leave everything and reside at home so that I just don’t go crazy even when I think I am. I have too hide away.. It’s essential.

I’ve been made out to be mad.

I’m insanely mad.

Figure it out for yourself.

Maybe its because I ask alot of questions.

Maybe I think to much about life.

Maybe I talk about things that some people don’t have the mindset to think in.

It’s odd but I’ve dealt with it.. on my own for me, not for anyone else. It’s helped me see the cosmic sense of things.. I guess thats the cool thing of being me. The imagination of Life way, way, way up high.. where angels sing and flowers smile..and stars battle in the heavens..I’m stuck here knowing this earthly plane and it’s systematic cells that are inbred in us to become delusional on matters out of our control.

I want to laugh so hard, at my own self.

I just did.

To be truthful I’ve never wanted to be sexy as women are, cute is better ..i’ve always felt that I had to fit the image of being a “girl” or a “young lady”. I’m too chilled for all that.

I always wanted to be bare.. just naked.

Being a legit boy would be nice, but I always knew I had a boy in me somewhere, he’s mysterious. He’s sometimes silent, and makes alot of jokes.. He finds girls annoying but puts up with them because he has a girl with him.. well a young lady, which is me ..in him.

But me and him we are both dynamics, mutants..rich in omega 3 and high in Vitamin A and E. He deals with me well, and I kind of sit back and admire the character. My divine just watches us both as one.

“I feel like i’m walking in slow motion” these were the words I muttered when I was in my own high.. many years ago. I remember that motion – I was always in that motion, a face with no expression, smiling here and there, quiet at times.. but then the whole world around me always seemed like a odd planet. I realized the matrix before I knew of the term. I was secretly a ninja turtle, Michaelangelo in fact. The boy in me is the Ninja, the girl in me is Rapunzel.

Neither one of us have truly introduced ourselves.

We are just both weirdo’s.