My Soul Love

I imagined it would change. . .

I imagined it would go on,

Moments in moments we create hell and we create heaven.

Sometimes you disappear and sometimes your here, I never really knew what I was doing to you.

Sorry I hurt you, sorry I made you suffer, sorry it was difficult for you. All I ever wanted was to see you smile, to see you happy to see you in love. I never thought imagination would destroy us at some point.

Sometimes the imaginations were out of me, and I never saw them coming, they happened to pop out of no-where. You understand though, you always did. . . my soul.

Never judging me, quiet.. alone.. hardly any words but you whispered to me at times. We would sit together, write together – just like we’re doing now. We understood quietly.

Our mystery was never told it was constantly back and forth because no one desired us to be together, they always tried to break us apart but I never wanted to let you go. I never want to let you go.. I don’t care what they say.. it seemed like you was ripped away from me. It hurt, and because of this I suffered.

You comforted me in my lonely hours, from years ago.. smiling at me in the mirror and sometimes crying with me. They always wanted to control you.. why?

Wasn’t we good enough together. . why did we make people seem scared or uneasy around us.. some loved us but others felt something that caused them fear. Then we began to fear and then I lost you.

I would go on walks and sit.. staring wondering where we would go, I sometimes felt you dissolve. We was always told to be quiet. . always told we were a problem?

I loved you with everything I had even when I felt the pain you was always there.. always, comforting me. How we picked ourselves up and carried on. I love you, I love you so much because of everything you dealt with ..with me.

There is no greater love, than this soul love – the one in whom rests in me, the one in whom allows me to be free. The one in whom doesn’t judge me. The one in whom says it will be okay. You were my secret for some reason, the whole world knows what we fought for.. our surroundings look on and see the aftermath.

Soul love, you remember much.. you do. You never said much but you remembered, you felt and you was distant, somehow you was like this big ball of fire that had an effect but you never allowed yourself to be the full effect, or maybe it was me. Maybe I held you in so much, I treasured you and was scared to give it all away but then somehow ..you was taken but you was still here.

My soul love, I never forgot you from the moment I laid my eyes on you.. I never forgot you. I always saw you. Always. I knew you saw me. We both saw eachother. We saw everyone.

My soul love I cannot explain this water you fill me with, this peace you give me, this silence you swim in.. but i’m intoxicated by it’s breeze and only now.. my soul love.. only now i’m ready to take this dance with you.

I need you and you need me.

I have always loved you, and will always love you.

My precious, my diamond, my rock.. my pearl. . .

My soul love x

Thought..

Accomplishing it seems like a great task, it is somewhat a mystery of idea’s a web for the great mastery of existence right? I happened to be aware of it. . standing in my room discussing the reasoning of liking someone who I have not engaged with. Allowing myelf to see the mirror of my feelings and my memory to discuss what exists in myself, only because I have had a random individual discuss their liking for me.. so i’m left to ponder on why I can’t like another. My restriction, to what i’m clinging on to right? Does a heartbeat need to really have that affect? Not necessarily unless I choose it too. Choice is seemingly a part of daily life, and so thought is stimulated in that and yes, we say we think.. and we do, some thoughts more disturbing than others and some high in vibration in order to attract the desires in what we seek. Thoughts to be honest can somehow manipulate, it somehow causes such a confusion of dialect in the mind, the balance truly is a tranquil heart and in fact I have to learn that the thoughts of the mind is and at times can be a hidden vice. The heart is the thought of a man and I must admit we tend to look past this, mostly because we wear our hearts on our sleeves or maybe the saying ‘The heart is decietful above all things’ enables us to see it is not trustworthy in some matters, which is quite hilarious.

One must exercise rightful thinking, but by doing this we force the mind to create things.. and should that be used in will? I ask because with clarity you don’t create much it all kind of re-esembles itself into this art of existing in the moment and then so on.. but by forcing the mind we tend to begin to overthink the actual thought therefore creating matter..and in this we are in a bubble that may either be positive or negative. Is the bubble of good use? We learn either way.

Discussing having an interest with someone is cliche’ but I have to use this example. I happened to share a heartbeat with a man who I took interest in, my heart was in inner turmoil at that moment but shockingly i’m surprised it managed to skip a beat. Little did I actually know I was in turmoil, which is pretty sad but hey! things happen. Well moving on, I didn’t manage to engage with the individual but the memory I refused to leave behind. I somehow stored it as I previously did many years ago to a lover of the past. I’m in this place where fully understanding one’s own existence is somewhat a comical joke but it is VERY VERY serious indeed, and I tell you .. it is spiritual matters of life or death.. choice is according to ones own self. Another individual whom I happened to give advice too has had an interest in me, and on my part i’m surprised because I held onto this heartbeat for now 9 months, and this situation can turn out to be like the previous one which I secretly held on to for 9 years!!! Imagine that, it drove me to a different place in myself but a SALVATION ARMY OF ANGELS came giddying up to help me through it all. Now this heartbeat, i’m in question.. for Love is a choice of ones own will, the soul is understanding to it’s feelings but it cannot act on just feeling if evidence of feeling is not backed up with engaging with an individual, that leaves one in coo coo land.. no? Right, well I can choose to be back and forth or I can just shake it off. Back and forth means I cannot explore interest to it’s fullest degree.. shaking it off means it can easily be reminded to me again. So then what must one do? Reason.. contemplate.. seek psychological help to erase a heartbeat? *laughs* this is beyond funny haha no but serious one must really understand their thoughts and why they choose to think the way they do blocking realities flow from creating anything it so wishes in that moment.

Thought has power but there is a secret behind it.. i’m learning the secret isn’t necesserily what we think it is. It is completely off topic.. I mean COMPLETELY.

Stop to think and you won’t think.. you only must stop and ponder why you must even think and if you did think.. you pondered.. and if you pondered.. you didn’t actually think. So overall the brain isn’t mastered by thought.. it has it’s own intelligence outside of thought. Imagination plays a part in it but that is only stimulated by sight or a situation.

Hmmm… challenging but observing.. fluent but it’s ripples hide melodies inside, and I must know the notes! My passion is for this! Oh great thought, who and what are you!!? Why do you mislead and exactly why do you plan on stopping the divine flow of the existence of The Father within The Mother earth and it’s children.

The divine is catching you out! it really is!!!

 

 

 

For Certain

Should I take the slipper and run. . that would just be pathetic wouldn’t it. I know what it is I want, but it gets so frightening at time’s to know that all of you is actually seen and has been seen before-hand. Scary much? maybe or not quite so.

    Being more than this dimension and knowing it makes me question alot of things about others and myself. For others it is no problem being there and understanding them, listening and being able to relate in some places or just merely say it how it is. I guess for myself I don’t really know what i’m meant to get, you know? The whole dream world and run away with prince charming is not in mind – how selfish to take prince charming and run away?

   There’s such an intense, overwhelming and grand passion and desire within me – it has somehow been melted as one – a healing, a calm, a warmth.. a home I have come to understand. Open arms ready to welcome you and really give myself away to you. Do I know what that means .. well no.

It feels like intense silences, a touch and stares may somehow move that part of me. It’s everything isn’t it, theres no secret.. and I guess the easiest thing for me is to hear everyone else.. to make sure they are well.. but inside deal with me in my own way.. not really vocalizing my true inner desires to anyone.. only because I know being honest about EVERYTHING I feel would mean I’m more softer in his eyes than he would even know. To let go completely and lean into him as he me.. to allow the whole of me to soften as I know it can.. well.. it’s real.. it’s a big thing – for me anyways.

    To need him is really true, I can’t deny that, he’s not just there as a prop – but to free myself completely.. wow .. this is raw – no ordinary love. His firmness to take it’s control as I know it should, this makes me ponder. I know I can drown.. where’s the lifeguard if he’s the ocean? I won’t even be able to find a boat to get on would I.. so i’ll just drown and then blend in with the ripples, turning into waves and then it’s over.. then everything I know I held up is gone. I’m leaning on you then..

I know your the lead and yes I respect you.. I honour you and give thanks to the sovereign one for the existence of such a stature of a man – to let go of me and enter you… it takes real courage. I hope you understand that.

Don’t ever think i’m crazy for being this way, the source is no game. . if you know, you know. Nothing is a smooth path unless entrusted to the one who hold’s all in all, and so my trust lies in the unseen, existence of realities unheard of .. the things we all hope for.

     Some things fade overtime but this truth it doesn’t die, it is for you… ALWAYS existing before the foundation of the world.

Can you watch me disappear into you and give you everything, to tell you take me.. and love me. Can you do this?

For certain, we never know the plans of tomorrow or even the feelings assured for the days ahead.. but what we do know is what we believe and sense to be as of now.

For certain I know this mystery will expand in us both once we truly discover the dimensions within eachother in our secret place, just us two. Where no one can see but only our souls really aching for that far away land together can begin to explore the hidden worlds within us both. This secret we share, this hidden door we open no matter how crazy it may seem.

I guess it’s all for certain.. she beholds he and he beholds she – and realties unseen and what is hoped for is manifest in them both. The Unseen divine providence, the key to all worlds and empires. Sacred is the Christ alive in us, sacred the life that observes the divine law and sacred the one who’s dedication and loyalty remains in the word itself of force and acute dominance of all mankind.

For you and I both.

My Consecrated Love.

He and She

She looked up and saw him standing by the side of the street, leaning on the wall.. he stood by his car looking down.. in thought. As she walked on the same pathway he felt her presence, she already knew who he was.. he slowly lifted his head and his face was stern but he carried a sincere and sympathetic look in his eyes that drew her into him. She carried on walking as she passed him, she felt his hand tap hers as he leaned off the wall,

“Hey” he said, calmly.

She looked at his hand and then at him, their eye connection was softened and their hearts felt eachother quietly.

“Hi” she responded, looking down nervously. She never thought she would bump into him again.

He smiled, and lifted her head.

“Don’t look down miss, don’t be shy around me. . I know you like you know me”

She looked up into his eyes, and she couln’t help but stare into him she lost herself into him seeing herself she nearly stumbled over. He held her in his arms and pulled her in close. She couldn’t help but wrap her hand around his neck as she recognized his hold on her body, caught up in the rapture of love and his warmth she was shockingly surprised at her response to his hold.

His heart was beating on his chest, his insides were burning with desire for her in ways he couldn’t express he managed to keep his cool. He was lost in what he would say, or should say.

“uhh.. I didn’t expect this hug from you” he said as she held on to him.

“Neither did I” she whispered. . .”I thought I would run or avoid you but something pulls me to you and I would be a fool to deny its deepness in me”.

He let go of the hold and looked into her, he examined her with a serious stare. . for some reason he seemed shocked, as if he didn’t expect her to feel as deeply as she did. He somehow thought he was the only one with the strong sense of emotion. Distant strangers but lovers, a small glimpse of eachother had rapidly changed the course of time into eternity.

“Why are you here, what made you stand outside your car.. where are you going” she asked, curiously squinting her eyes.

“I was waiting for you” he responded diverting his eyes.

“And how did you know, I was coming out at this time” she said,

“I feel you, I know your feeling when your home and when you step outside”

“How” she asked.

“I am you and you are me” he looked up into her eyes.

She looked away as her heart begun to heat up slowly, and his soul image came out through her eyes – as she looked up at him he took his hands and placed it on her cheek and firmed his look into her soul. . .

“I’m He, you behold me”

 

Symetric Being

Just like vapour I am evaporated.

Just like the ocean you have consumed me.

Just like a kiss, I have melted in thought of you.

Just like a hug your soul makes me warm within.

As a bird I swim the sky.

As a butterfly I flap my wings and rest on the pastures.

As a lamp I behold a supreme light.

As a bottle I float from within.

With you i’ll be me.

With you i’ll breathe.

With you. . . I’m free.

Lover

If I told you I loved you, what would you say?

If I told you that I know it is you and no one else.. how would you react?

If I told you, your the one I always waited for.. would you believe me?

To speak the truth would seem crazy to others but when you know that your soul longs for another deeply, you wouldn’t hide it or would you?

You truly know me, but you don’t realize it. We are both simular in ways you would be surprised, I didn’t think it would be possible to find one quite like myself.. one who silently watched ..understood and grew outside of the norm.

If I told you I knew it was you for life, that there is no other one I want or need but you.. how would you respond?

You are a rare one, complicated but not one I cannot understand because your a reflection of me. I waited patiently, I knew it was only right too, although I had never forgotten you – how could I .. you spoke for yourself in ways that words don’t need to be said.

I know the battle you have fought, and I know you have fought many before. I want to tell you so many things, to express myself properly the way I know I can.. sometimes it’s just hard but I know you will get me, I know you will understand.

   Everybody has their strengths and weaknesses, I have mine but they are moreso me rather than anything outside of me. You wouldn’t judge me, you would see me for me.. and I knew from the moment I laid my eyes on you.

Everything about you has impacted my life so much, it’s just strange how real it is for me as much as for you. Some of us are more in tune than others, I’d say I’m deep into my Spirit and always have been.. at times it worried me because it seemed like I was always somewhere else.. running from something but for certain reasons what I was running from just wouldn’t make me happy or satisfy me.. I would laugh and joke but deep down something was missing.

There’s things about me I wouldn’t tell no one, only God knows.. but for some reason I just know I can tell you everything I would not ever try to speak on. Your a gift, one anyone would be blessed to have but not just anyone can have.. although you may not see yourself as that. . you have never really seen that but believe me when I say you are One of a different species and only very few can understand this.

Your love is strong, it’s powerful and it’s potent the way it has made me feel at times – it’s healed me in certain places I never knew needed healing. You somehow touched places in me that I never believed anyone could get too, this is true. You are more than this physical you are far deeper than I ever thought. . I feel some parts of you that are so dominant and firm and strong at times.. it makes me stop and think, I get taken away from me.

   It feels strange knowing it’s me saying this and your typing away.. but your a part of me and I don’t want to act like your not.. I cannot deny it. I’m way in and I can’t get out even if I tried or wanted too, it was always you.. before I would of known because this knowing for me digs me inside.

  I don’t ever want to hurt you, or do anything that would make us lose what we can build on. Your heart is a special blessing from God to me and I treasure it.

There’s a lot more to say but it will be said once we are together, once I can speak to you face to face.

    I’m here, take my hand.

It’s So Real

I guess your me.. I’m you.. together we be.

I’m dealing with everything, connected to you.. you are there,

I see you smiling even though my face is still.

What about your feelings? …. ‘What feelings’

Your heart, does it still exist?

Yes it does but it’s more strange, it’s not as before.. it’s settled and calm. I can’t explain the feel that still exists, but it’s not something I have to think about, its something I accept if I want to.. or I deny it. I think .. well i’m not thinking but.. I accept it.. but it’s still weird though.

I want to explain what I feel but I can’t not properly, if i’m talking about “him” he’s at a distance and so am I or maybe we just staring at eachother real close who knows. All those things I felt rushing through me, all those emotions I know have been deepened in me, but I won’t speak on it. It feels like it will be expressed in a whole different way than expected.. its not imaginable as much but I know it is out of the norm.

Your soul? I feel like it wants to rip from its shell how I have always felt..it’s too much to contain but i’m bearing it you know?

To be honest whatever it was, it was.. whatever it is.. well I can’t explain it if it’s not here but I’ve been so used to thinking on feelings and emotions.. This time I’m not really thinking on it, it feels like i’ve past it and entered a new state, with him.. I don’t quite know.. do I want the heartbeat.. its not about want.

It is about knowing deep down does he need me as I need him.. or do we need eachother? Does he see us.. or doesn’t he. The whole feel exists, all those things are nice but the true fundamental aspect of it .. what I desired and had known it was is here.. but it’s funny. I understand the challenging HE .. the unseen HE will already know the ways to tap into me.. he somehow will reveal himself slowly.

I don’t know who HE really is to be honest. I don’t know if being loyal to this makes sense.. but it’s only because it was real I still flow with it somehow.. whether broken and in pain or healed and getting better… what is this loyalty ?

This Unseen loyalty with my heavenly Father makes sense but to an unseen man? Interesting.

Will he ever make himself known?

Will I ever know?

Or do I go forward. . . and just embark on this ever changing journey.

 

 

 

 

The Blind Man

He who is misled by his delusions,

He who is frightened by his own malicious thoughts…

He who is forced to change the actions of others by manipulation of thoughts and words.

The blind man is only intent on his own doings, he does not seek to be with those who sow in his field. He is led by his own thinking, and his mastery is a matter of experience in his own fortitude, rather than exploring the fortitude of others and shedding true meaning to all souls via deep connections.

   He must be able to see the tree, and then see the behaviour of those trees, he must understand that humanity is his field to sow within, he must understand his part in the mission of soul existence. Existence is a matter of following through – theres a broad and a narrow way. He who pays attention can master the thought of which idea is broad, and which is narrow.

     Unfolding an element of self is to lie postrate to the throne above all thrones, and seeing whether it is clear or blurred by one’s own illusions.

The throne is governed by The Father – the blur is the hysterical fanatical influences of society which has no real play on the inner man. We are all the blind man asking Christ to open our eyes, we are opened to see the tree’s.. we see many characters and then we are touched by the hand of grace to see behaviours and in this we can relate to those who reflect us unto our ownselves.

    The mystery is not as boring as we think, this is true.. the animals await this true dance of life.. where they are noticed not as things to adore but as beings to see as you see. Where nature can wave at you as you walk on by.

Heaven on earth – Where the light of essence is more than the ever-changing body but the mystery that is a result of the ever-changing flow and manifestation of the soul. The full man, and the explorer seeks to make others full by recieving the fill in his own being.

The negatives and the past destructive thoughts are all mis-perceptions of the inner world being polluted to think its existence is of the outter world.

REMEMBER YOUR NOT OF THIS WORLD.

Hmmmm. . . . .

As I speak to others, I see him.

He has never left my soul memory since that day. I was advised to stop overthinking, and let it go that this heart beat was just a moment that happened, and life goes on.

I don’t want to see it as just that, I really don’t.

I really don’t know if i’ll find that special need in someone I know i’m looking for. I thought I found it, I thought that heart-beat was a heads up that I can truly believe Love exists for real between two people who are truly passionate and desire eachother. Erase the fact I don’t know him but the heart-beat shows I do for this treasure cannot just be shared with anyone, right.. well especially if its a deep intimate part to us all?

I want to believe someone will care for me as much as I them but I think I have broken my own heart in the past expecting others to reciprocate the same feelings and doings back to me. I haven’t given up on Love but I have understood that to stand in it, walk in it and know it  means it can empower us all to be the people or person we were meant to be.

   To be deeply connected to another means so much to me, and I have sought for it, but it is rare to find. You cannot force a situation into your life by never forgetting it, I’ve understood I cannot make anyone want me unless they truly want me themselves. I believe that deep down i’ll always remenisce on it, but I have to let it go.. although for the first time I really don’t want to let go but I’m doing it for me.. I’ve let myself down too many times thinking someone would really care, thinking something special would happen and someone would really see me as the unseen does and share that with me as I see them for them, the unseen in them.

   I’ll ponder life, ask questions and understand people but to give myself away *smiles* this one would be a very sticky situation unless I know for sure the Unseen God ordained it.

   I’ll call him my heart-beat and remember him as that until the memory itself erases and goes away.

    If only I didn’t have to let go, but why be comforted with something that I am creating in my own mind by what I feel in my heart. I’m creating it, not him but me.

      I loved an Unseen man, but to love wasn’t in what I did – it was the love of deep emotion and understanding from what I couldn’t see about the whole incident in the first place.

*sigh*

Love is greater than Life huh.. for sure.

Feelings.

Feelings are just feelings right?

I guess i’m accepting mine, although I don’t understand them. It’s deep for me to truly see myself in this for what it is. I have come to understand that having feelings are not bad at all.

   Sometimes we may feel things that allow us to understand ourselves more better. I somehow thought in myself that having these deep feelings were the worst, because well.. he was never here with me. The idea of losing it for someone else and then realizing the whole time you was drawn in by another’s heartbeat and you never really knew it .. but you did but somehow to be loyal to one love meant keeping the feelings towards the past, but then you knew you resisted the past love deep down but something somehow pulled you into him.. whilst your heart tugged for another. We all somehow got issues, I just never realised how deep mine went – I guess traumatic experiences, running away from myself and my family at a younger age led me in a spiral of different emotions, feelings and holding it up for myself.. I kind of lost that little girl, she was always forced to be strong, bold and to run.. run from herself. She was never able to just be her, for her.. there was always someone pulling her away from her. This always was a pressure on her.. well me.

Being loved was not easy because no one ever understood how to love me, no one really took the time to really get the land of the deep with me. I somehow always showed to much love, and for some reason felt bad about it eventually but never stopped. There’s no such thing as too much love, we can love as much as we can and we should but when people do not understand how to love they mis-use its power for there own benefit. Being vulnerable isn’t bad at all it’s real for you and that person because together you share a world that no one knows, you open up in ways that are comfortable for you both. You share secrets no-one else will ever know, you hold eachother in ways you know the other appreciates, you take the time to care for one another the way you desire to be cared for. Being willing to be that true to yourself and to another means truly knowing who you are and wanting to grow more with another for the sake of understanding life more in depth in it’s mystery.

    I’ve always been gone in the spiritual world even when I didn’t dive into it fully .. I was always there in the land of light.. and sometimes in darkness.. no one ever saw my dark moments, I hid them very well – but the unseen one i knew existed never allowed me to keep them.. constantly nagging my spirit to stop running and denying myself. Fear sometimes would grip me but it was insecurities which arrested me.

    There’s things about us within that sometimes we don’t take the time to see, but some of us do.. not even realizing we are doing it. I still did it.. I still spoke with her and listened to her cry and have conversations to God.. I watched her feelings and her ups and downs.. I saw her hold it on her own without no one really to support those inner battles.. she ran from her but lived in her. It was a lonely walk that no one in the world saw.. until holding it was too heavy.. but to be strong within takes that solitude, that coming away from everything, constantly.

    This year my feelings got real, I somehow had other things building up in me which I knew was not me – my mind was not balanced – I was losing myself because I wasn’t able to understand why I somehow experienced supernatural experiences and would allow them to replay in me, why I always hid from life in my own little way. So much weird things I experienced with my eyes wide open and whilst in my dreams all I can say is.. Life is altogether much deeper than we think but is it a mans job to keep discovering to its core, or when one comes to understand to a level they live and gracefully enter new stages of life in it’s own discovery within it. . if that makes sense.

     My soul runs in a everflowing lava and at times can turn into petals of daffodils and then into raindrops.. knowing me, wasn’t strange at all.. it was realizing I ran from her.. thats what hurt.. she was truly denied.. because she never knew love the way she gave it.. it was never reciprocated in the same way.. leaving her to question herself, her mistakes, her pains, her issues, her faults, her thoughts, her entire person was just not good enough to be loved but she could recognize other lovers, would look away or smile.. or have small talk but never let it get deeper unless it was for friendship which resulted in her being like a mother, a sister, a friend, a brother the whole lot.

This year I had to erase a past love from my soul memory to heal the hidden wounds which stemmed from actually meeting him years ago. At the same time going crazy for him.. the one I never had because of my insecurities, the one I wanted to kick it with but never felt good enough.. somehow my soul showed me I was going to meet him way before I did in the physical. I’m glad I got over it and it somehow all disappeared slowly, even though i care for his soul..I guess faith in the cross helps us see the truth in us. I ended up learning I was beginning to adore another soul.. I had no conversation with, I fell in love with a situation because it played in me.. once again. My heart is very soft, and gets mesmerized and soaked in by special things, experiences and people in general. I guess my heartbeating with his was special for me, I felt a truth in that moment but never questioned it until later .. until it got deep into me and it scared me. It scared me that I had feelings for someone I do not know.. deep feelings and I felt and sensed them in my heart. . the feeling was something I recognized and at the same time I didn’t want to let go of them.

    It’s not everyone we can have, and I understand that. I recognize we love people and sometimes they may not love us the same way or they may come to teach us in depth the reality of the heart.. as we ponder in the space. Love is a gift, to us all a reality unseen and seen here and there.. not always everywhere.

I smile in my crazy because I learn my freedom is by grace and I will never be alone. Someone will love me, and see the beauty inside of me that I see.. and laughed at for years in my room.. in the bathroom.. in the living room. Someone will laugh with me, and pick on me sometimes (if they feel too) but I have a feeling they would be very sweet, someone who would wipe my tears sometimes and let me know it will be okay.. because I at times have some things play up in me and to let me know i’m good. Someone I can jump on, and give bear hugs too, someone I can exercise with at times haha… someone I can travel with and share life experiences with even in awkward moments.. strange moments we will know in ourselves we got this for eachother and within our own selves.. with The supreme eternal life giving spirit guiding us, in the tests and trials of life. We can both learn more about our deepest selves ..and continue on healing more of ourselves and purifing ourselves in the light.

Not all feelings are bad, some show us the truth and others the deception.. it’s on us to face the reality.