Feelings.

Feelings are just feelings right?

I guess i’m accepting mine, although I don’t understand them. It’s deep for me to truly see myself in this for what it is. I have come to understand that having feelings are not bad at all.

   Sometimes we may feel things that allow us to understand ourselves more better. I somehow thought in myself that having these deep feelings were the worst, because well.. he was never here with me. The idea of losing it for someone else and then realizing the whole time you was drawn in by another’s heartbeat and you never really knew it .. but you did but somehow to be loyal to one love meant keeping the feelings towards the past, but then you knew you resisted the past love deep down but something somehow pulled you into him.. whilst your heart tugged for another. We all somehow got issues, I just never realised how deep mine went – I guess traumatic experiences, running away from myself and my family at a younger age led me in a spiral of different emotions, feelings and holding it up for myself.. I kind of lost that little girl, she was always forced to be strong, bold and to run.. run from herself. She was never able to just be her, for her.. there was always someone pulling her away from her. This always was a pressure on her.. well me.

Being loved was not easy because no one ever understood how to love me, no one really took the time to really get the land of the deep with me. I somehow always showed to much love, and for some reason felt bad about it eventually but never stopped. There’s no such thing as too much love, we can love as much as we can and we should but when people do not understand how to love they mis-use its power for there own benefit. Being vulnerable isn’t bad at all it’s real for you and that person because together you share a world that no one knows, you open up in ways that are comfortable for you both. You share secrets no-one else will ever know, you hold eachother in ways you know the other appreciates, you take the time to care for one another the way you desire to be cared for. Being willing to be that true to yourself and to another means truly knowing who you are and wanting to grow more with another for the sake of understanding life more in depth in it’s mystery.

    I’ve always been gone in the spiritual world even when I didn’t dive into it fully .. I was always there in the land of light.. and sometimes in darkness.. no one ever saw my dark moments, I hid them very well – but the unseen one i knew existed never allowed me to keep them.. constantly nagging my spirit to stop running and denying myself. Fear sometimes would grip me but it was insecurities which arrested me.

    There’s things about us within that sometimes we don’t take the time to see, but some of us do.. not even realizing we are doing it. I still did it.. I still spoke with her and listened to her cry and have conversations to God.. I watched her feelings and her ups and downs.. I saw her hold it on her own without no one really to support those inner battles.. she ran from her but lived in her. It was a lonely walk that no one in the world saw.. until holding it was too heavy.. but to be strong within takes that solitude, that coming away from everything, constantly.

    This year my feelings got real, I somehow had other things building up in me which I knew was not me – my mind was not balanced – I was losing myself because I wasn’t able to understand why I somehow experienced supernatural experiences and would allow them to replay in me, why I always hid from life in my own little way. So much weird things I experienced with my eyes wide open and whilst in my dreams all I can say is.. Life is altogether much deeper than we think but is it a mans job to keep discovering to its core, or when one comes to understand to a level they live and gracefully enter new stages of life in it’s own discovery within it. . if that makes sense.

     My soul runs in a everflowing lava and at times can turn into petals of daffodils and then into raindrops.. knowing me, wasn’t strange at all.. it was realizing I ran from her.. thats what hurt.. she was truly denied.. because she never knew love the way she gave it.. it was never reciprocated in the same way.. leaving her to question herself, her mistakes, her pains, her issues, her faults, her thoughts, her entire person was just not good enough to be loved but she could recognize other lovers, would look away or smile.. or have small talk but never let it get deeper unless it was for friendship which resulted in her being like a mother, a sister, a friend, a brother the whole lot.

This year I had to erase a past love from my soul memory to heal the hidden wounds which stemmed from actually meeting him years ago. At the same time going crazy for him.. the one I never had because of my insecurities, the one I wanted to kick it with but never felt good enough.. somehow my soul showed me I was going to meet him way before I did in the physical. I’m glad I got over it and it somehow all disappeared slowly, even though i care for his soul..I guess faith in the cross helps us see the truth in us. I ended up learning I was beginning to adore another soul.. I had no conversation with, I fell in love with a situation because it played in me.. once again. My heart is very soft, and gets mesmerized and soaked in by special things, experiences and people in general. I guess my heartbeating with his was special for me, I felt a truth in that moment but never questioned it until later .. until it got deep into me and it scared me. It scared me that I had feelings for someone I do not know.. deep feelings and I felt and sensed them in my heart. . the feeling was something I recognized and at the same time I didn’t want to let go of them.

    It’s not everyone we can have, and I understand that. I recognize we love people and sometimes they may not love us the same way or they may come to teach us in depth the reality of the heart.. as we ponder in the space. Love is a gift, to us all a reality unseen and seen here and there.. not always everywhere.

I smile in my crazy because I learn my freedom is by grace and I will never be alone. Someone will love me, and see the beauty inside of me that I see.. and laughed at for years in my room.. in the bathroom.. in the living room. Someone will laugh with me, and pick on me sometimes (if they feel too) but I have a feeling they would be very sweet, someone who would wipe my tears sometimes and let me know it will be okay.. because I at times have some things play up in me and to let me know i’m good. Someone I can jump on, and give bear hugs too, someone I can exercise with at times haha… someone I can travel with and share life experiences with even in awkward moments.. strange moments we will know in ourselves we got this for eachother and within our own selves.. with The supreme eternal life giving spirit guiding us, in the tests and trials of life. We can both learn more about our deepest selves ..and continue on healing more of ourselves and purifing ourselves in the light.

Not all feelings are bad, some show us the truth and others the deception.. it’s on us to face the reality.

 

 

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