I promised myself.
I don’t know who it is, neither do I know what it is. . because it isn’t me.
Its hard to explain it, its out of my hands and I put it behind me. I genuinly don’t want nothing to do with it. It was what it was, and I learnt – the heart is a lie. . the soul recognizes it but I don’t want it to be here.
The feeling is something that I always wanted to disappear. I ain’t a fool, I’ve been foolish yes, but never will allow myself to be a fool again. I write my feelings because if I don’t I will go mad, if it isn’t paper then it’s here – where the soul expresses it self. I read so my mind is relaxed, I just read or write.. or stare into space, sing or dance and other things thats abit weird but who isn’t weird.
I can’t go in a cycle of letting go and then remembering, why can’t he just disappear and leave me alone.
I don’t play these games, I just don’t play these games.
Your either in or out.
Hot or cold.
I’ll be relaxed, calm just doing me but a memory hits me.. a face is reminded to me and the tears begin. I pray for it to leave me, I begged God to remove it, and for it to not be a part of me anymore. I’ve had such a long time to get over what this was, whatever this was. For real, as a young woman its cool, we can cry, we have emotions, we can feel.. but this is stupid now. Even I’m tired of this love…. if it’s love anyway.
I won’t run, I don’t need too because why should I?
I’m allowed to be where I am in me, why should anyone chase me from me. Maybe its me or maybe its him..who knows.
Funny enough. Love always knows *laughs* it always knows..
So there is no maybe you or maybe me, thats being childish *laughs* We always know.
I made a solemn promise to myself, that nothing like this will ever control my life again.
I can truly not care, I have it in me not too but its not a nice place to be and it goes against my soul so I have to go along with the caring.. cry and not deny it.. talk myself through my promise..smile, write, exercise and eat. Simple. No biggy, no problems. A guy is just a guy. Us deep lovers know how it is, we can REALLY disconnect or REALLY connect. Its that real. We can cover everything or we can just show everything.
Men are just men, ain’t nothing special in it apart from that.
Yes, God made them first and they are the real expression of Gods Love if he’s got himself right and is experienced *laughs* which majority of the time older men are. A Woman is an expression of him, and in God she carries his own and her own – vice versa. I study men at times, the same way a woman can fall head over heels so can he.. he does so silently, smoothly, and carefully he has a knowing.. in his knowing he fits it with her and gradually builds.. trying to control his compulsive sexual behaviour. She knows this, if he is real he’ll speak his truth regarding his impulses, if he isn’t he’ll fall into the hands of another woman rather quickly, who will be ready to grasp him for the night.. maybe longer who knows. A mans fantasy drives him for long periods of time.. This is something he alone must learn to tame. A woman is not led by compulsive sexual behaviours but by her heart which can quickly be decieved and a man can quite simply enter into it, and she falls into the net. She must not listen to her heart, she must pay attention to it but understand her soul and the loyalty joint from the soul to spirit governs the heart, mind etc.
A great man understands his fantasies and loses his interest in their superficial charm, he seeks for something long-lasting, a challenge to his nature not sexually although that would intrigue him more but moreso mentally, spiritually, soulfully but at the same time soothing to his nature, peaceful, adventurous and exciting. Each has their preference.
Same way he plays, so can she.. but she does it too bite nothing else. She does it merely to stab him in his own nature, this cripples him because she’s meant to be soft as he is, maybe softer and shes meant to manage it well – but once she has his soft place – her bite will sting, tear his guts and leave him emotionless for a while.. if she has not learnt prudence in trials and tribulations, then she will bite and make it strong too. Her prudence must surpass her feelings, but her prudence should not overule her spiritual revelation to how, why and what is the result for this act. Human behaviour is a bundle of unexplained situations, unorthdox behaviours but with spiritual awareness one can examine and see.. and this my friend ..this takes patience. Patience must not allow you to be a fool, but must reveal the foolishness of the situation and merely weigh a persons true intentions. This is disastrous. A complete mess. haha. Being slow to anger and kind gives you the shrewdness to work under drastic situations.
Hence why Love can appear to be a dangerous game. Although it is not a game. I REPEAT, LOVE IS NOT A GAME.
It is somewhat a Revelation, to you, me, mankind.. for all.
Its the state of spirit. Soul must yield to Spirit to help it evaluate everything and so effectively implement rightful actions towards ones ownself and the other.
Its either you play the game – the game is your physical nature and the mind and a loose heart or you outsmart it but are dis-satisfied because you may not win… The best thing is to lean not on ones own understanding but to be governed by the principles of God in Love. Spiritual awareness, discernment and wisdom. This brings assurance to both parties.. loyalty consists of standing for Love seperately and together and in this there is no fear. There is only joy, and happy moments and of course.. tests to ones own nature and to both put together.
Hence why a man treads carefully in his heart with women, for the bite will be very strong. You see, its all a stupid cycle un-necessary, pointless, completely a waste of time. The game is a dangerous venom, poisonus, it will destroy you – so women get out of games!!! Do not be in a game and stop trying to be the game.. theres to many games out there. There is no competition. Trust me. Revelation is better than a game to see love before you, or the potential of it is better than a game. Games last a little bit but finish leaving us gagging.
Men, just quit playing games.. we know you control it so whats the point, come as you are, be honest and real.. thats all. We learn though, we get it, that all that time it was pretty simple, yeah.. but oh well.. we therefore move forward. Mistakes are good for us all.
I am secretly crazy and I just don’t want to care no more, my soul rests in my craziness – it somehow tames it. Love quietens me and peace is my friend when I holla at faith. This has aways been the way it’s worked for me.
Why someone would like to come and interrupt this, does not make sense. Is this my own Love, because if it is.. its crazy, real crazy.. playing games on me.. me *laughs* Its a joke.
However crazy it makes me be, I’m still calm. How is this possible, I don’t know.. but God is real. I know silently it’s dangerous but it refuses to be fired up because it knows.. it shouldn’t.. it really shouldn’t.
Let it rest in its calm, smiling when it wants.. why remind me.
Its best I truly write this out or windows will be smashed if I just sit in silence, they know my feelings.. they listen to me talk and they cry with me, they go humid when tears are in my eyes *laughs* so basically my windows cry with me.
I should be a sumarai, maybe a powerpuff or I don’t even know. This writing has actually helped me though. Seriously I was on the verge of screaming!!!
Please understand feelings are sometimes so cruel, they aways try to come back. Always. Like why? stay awayyyyy… far.. far.. away! Maybe I should just be a love counsellor to myself, or maybe live in the rainforest and be best buddies with the gorillaz they may understand me better.. they don’t say much it’s just their gestures show real affection.
*sigh* This was geuinely my writing therapy and at the end of it, the thing.. *gasps* you see if I try to explain the thing or person the picture of him may try and come back in my head.. so i’ll avoid it!!! A recent engeenir came to my house and told me go out and have fun, drink and find someone, experiment. I’d rather avoid that. *yawns*
So a little note to me:
‘Its okay girl, your heart was unaware, you fell in love with the game baby.. you didn’t even know how to play it. You to busy crying, and wanting a man to love you, who didn’t care, he didn’t even have the time anyway booboo *laughs* ahhh, girl you nearly fell for the damn snake. Sister please, never again!!! Jesus got to lead you, not your heart baby, not your heart.. it’s decietful above all things sister.. never be decieved in your heart! Just live soulfully as you were, someone who may understand you might come along. If not don’t worry yourself.. Love is revelation so life may show you something completely new! Who knows? There’s plenty of time for partnerships. DON’T LET YOUR FEELINGS CONTROL YOU GIRL!!! HE GONE, LONG GONE.
And REMEMBER – know you are wonderfully and beautifully made.
A Hidden Diamond!
And to one who finds you, finds a wonderful treasure indeed!