Neither One of Us.

I’m not ashamed to say I’m insane in Love. I can’t be that crazy, because I’m in my sanity but at times i’m blurred from my own reality.

I’m not playing games, I’ve been led along the way to this point and I’ve watched myself. . . it’s been an interesting view.

I’m a bundle of joy but a loner, I like my own company but truthfully I haven’t been alone. I’ve always had my divine Spirit to talk too, my divine has been the bestest friend I could ever ask for.

I understand I’m a little strange because of this

but I can’t deny this part of who God made me to be.

A child at nature but a serious dame when called to fight the tides of life. Yes, i’m vulnerable.. always have been..and I hated this part of myself. I’ve tried to protect my vulnerability but it’s never worked.. It reveals itself. I guess me trying to be strong is just an illusion.. my weakness is my strength.. or is my strength my weakness? It’s neither one of us.

There are days I want to disappear not for bad reasons just to disappear, to be a snowflake. Other times I want to jump up and down on my bed, sometimes I do.. other times I sit on my bed and giggle.. and I just can’t stop. It’s been like this for years.

I walk up and down in my bedroom talking to myself.. always done this since a child – and it never left.

Sometimes I have nothing to say to myself so I literally stare at the wall. . .Other times I stare out the window..

Sitting in silence.

My divine always lets me express myself, I’ve somehow learnt

to understand that my divine and me are one.

When I was a little younger..I was ashamed of this friendship I had. It was like having an imaginary friend, I was dependent on it.. it made me aware of things.  My divine was my best friend in the good and the bad.. later on in life ..The Spirit finally made itself known to me. I kind of needed it too.

My divine promised me that it would never leave me, at times I felt it did. Even in my most vulnerable moments it held me.

LOVE.

Is a powerful force. Its left me splattered with nothingness and yet filled me with everything at the same time. I always knew it would do this to me. I understood the highs weren’t forever but the peaceful knowing was a comforter.

It hasn’t been for the love of family, friends, a boy or a man thats ever made me truly ride for Love. This part of me is unexplainable I know it resides with my soul..

Its a part of me that strongly feels, not for anyone but just to feel..it’s a secure pressure within.. it tugs me, pulls me, breaks me, looks me in my eyes and tells me nothing. It stares at me, just like a floating feather I see it dancing through my eyes. This part of me connects me with things, people, situations, animals, specific locations and always gave me visions. This part of me often made me isolate myself. I didn’t trust people, let alone myself..only a few I could relate too.. even so I’d take long periods away from people.

I never truly understood it.

This part of me.. It made me smile in the mornings though..

                                It still makes me smile.

 at times it did pull me to want to experience something deep with another person but it never happened. This part wouldn’t open for just anyone.. it wasn’t allowed too.

                                               I always run from it anyway. I don’t know if this is selfish but its true. I know I sense strongly, but it has nothing to do with that – What i’m trying to explain cannot be explained unless my soul was to dissolve in someone elses.. another soul who understands more than the physical.. maybe then that unexplainable thing will find its answer.. but would I run away again?

I’ve some-how been in a daze but awake..

tried to force myself asleep but it never worked.

I had to keep being there.. all the time. I felt like I was asleep sometimes but I actually weren’t and how funny it was. I stayed silent in the worst moments, laughed when I should of cried, cried when I should of been smiling.. spoke too much when I could of said nothing, looked away when I should of looked straight at the situation.

Looking away means protecting myself.

To let others see what has been mis-understood was some-what a fantasy. It’s alot for myself and sometimes it takes returning.. returning home.

HOME?

Yes.. I take breaks from the world, I’ll leave everything and reside at home so that I just don’t go crazy even when I think I am. I have too hide away.. It’s essential.

I’ve been made out to be mad.

I’m insanely mad.

Figure it out for yourself.

Maybe its because I ask alot of questions.

Maybe I think to much about life.

Maybe I talk about things that some people don’t have the mindset to think in.

It’s odd but I’ve dealt with it.. on my own for me, not for anyone else. It’s helped me see the cosmic sense of things.. I guess thats the cool thing of being me. The imagination of Life way, way, way up high.. where angels sing and flowers smile..and stars battle in the heavens..I’m stuck here knowing this earthly plane and it’s systematic cells that are inbred in us to become delusional on matters out of our control.

I want to laugh so hard, at my own self.

I just did.

To be truthful I’ve never wanted to be sexy as women are, cute is better ..i’ve always felt that I had to fit the image of being a “girl” or a “young lady”. I’m too chilled for all that.

I always wanted to be bare.. just naked.

Being a legit boy would be nice, but I always knew I had a boy in me somewhere, he’s mysterious. He’s sometimes silent, and makes alot of jokes.. He finds girls annoying but puts up with them because he has a girl with him.. well a young lady, which is me ..in him.

But me and him we are both dynamics, mutants..rich in omega 3 and high in Vitamin A and E. He deals with me well, and I kind of sit back and admire the character. My divine just watches us both as one.

“I feel like i’m walking in slow motion” these were the words I muttered when I was in my own high.. many years ago. I remember that motion – I was always in that motion, a face with no expression, smiling here and there, quiet at times.. but then the whole world around me always seemed like a odd planet. I realized the matrix before I knew of the term. I was secretly a ninja turtle, Michaelangelo in fact. The boy in me is the Ninja, the girl in me is Rapunzel.

Neither one of us have truly introduced ourselves.

We are just both weirdo’s.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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