I Let it out – to completely let it go.
I never really got over him.
Somehow I said to myself I would, that he would just disappear as he did before. . he just vanished.
The last words of “I can see you” as I looked around at the bus stop confused. . . where was he?
Going past in a car probably. I was young, still in a bubble, transparent but somehow losing it.
The baby in me startled by his Spirit which I already knew.
Before he changed and became who he was.
I’ve learnt to face it all. My own emotions and feelings, my thoughts – some which weren’t my own. When I met him years ago I felt something, it wasn’t an attraction ..maybe he felt an attraction but I felt something about him which was deep. I don’t know maybe we were secret siblings, or good friends in a past life? Who knows.
This part of me that felt something deep towards him made me fear him, made me not feel good enough to be close to him… although I wanted to know what this thing was. Secretly when I spoke to him I felt like a child but I didn’t really care, I just knew it was okay to be me. Theres alot of things I didn’t forget watching the years unfold until he vanished only to reappear.
I didn’t know what that “thing” was, but when I randomly was on a stroll down the road.. my heart tugged and I heard a silent whisper that made me turn my head. I remember seeing him staring out the window, he was in a daze. The joy of my heart to see a long lost brother who somehow meant something to me.
His smile made me happy, and his presence was calm. . me, well I was me.. jolly and childish. Everything I had experienced in the past was thrown out the window at that moment, for all I cared about was his soul and if he was okay. Looking into him I saw partially he had dealt with things, things that he may not have been vocal about, but I hallucinated and it seemed like it was all a blur. . but I was there looking out, looking in. The eye connection was real, time and space did stop and for me to still remember it, I KNOW IT WAS REAL.
From that day life went on as normal but I never forgot him.
You see things happen in life that we may tend to look past and not see it as anything, somethings we ponder on but if we do nothing there is no result. I tried here and there but you know, I was never vocal about how I felt because I thought he would’nt care.. which obviously was true. During the time apart my heart longed for him in ways it had not longed for anybody before. Yes I forced myself not too long for this, not to allow it too consume me but it did and as it did it tricked my mind. I became a fool, how could someone you care about for no reason disappear and then reappear to look into me and disappear again? It affected my life heavily. It felt like we exchanged energies, or he entered my mind but somehow, something strange happened and it took me from me.
I thought I was in love with him, but the resentment building up in me due to not understanding why that happened began to eat at me, why did he appear in my dreams and why did he not speak to me ..if he knew something I didn’t. I loved him for him and never understood the reasons why. It may have been a test on me, maybe to remind me of what I was missing out on.. (but if he truly knew why I didn’t come to see him many years ago) he would know I wasnt missing out on anything. Simple as.
Seeing as i’m a mysterious person when it comes to spirituality and faith, I was thinking it was all meant to happen. . somehow stupidly thinking he would come back to me. *rolls eyes* I created a pathetic love story in my head and I guess the energy put out towards it obviously invoked crazy things to happen to me. I had so much faith in this eye connection, it’s ludicrous.
Now fully exposed of myself and my feelings. . . I see I was deeply in love, I did think it was infatuation at first but it continued so I genuinely loved him, what made it worse was having been younger I felt something towards him.. so it kind of made sense why I was drawn to him the way I was.
I thought I learnt having said goodbye so many times in my Spirit to him but somehow I couldnt breakfree from it, somehow it held me tightly whatever this was. This eye connection controlled me, in ways impossible to explain.
Right now, I’ve chosen to move forward. I felt the need to express this, God knows why. Weirdly enough I will always love him in a way but its not the same, I somehow see him as a secret soul brother, one in whom I drove myself crazy for.
In a few years from now I’ll look back at this and laugh.. at how far it took me to craziness, and how far I went to look a fool. If he knew what happened, it probably was fun and games to him, but atleast I tasted the madness of my own love.. to truly see it for what it could be.
True Love is hard to find, I’ve now found it.
Its now living in me, and it’s being shown to me.
I think it’s found me. . . I just have to be patient to believe this is the real one.
I guess there is a good in good bye, afterall.
When something leaves, something new appears.
The mysteries of Love.